Dracula: Let me give you eternal life….
Me: Are you kidding me have you looked around at this world…no thank you.
Dracula: What time is sunrise?
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11yo son just walked by.
If Axe was a drug, I’d be stoned right now.
🎶 I’m a cat, boy / in a sealed box I hide / I’m Wanted / dead and alive!
– Bon Schröedi
“Yogurt!”
Gurt: “Yes?”
[Googling]
How many calories in a glass of white wine?
*45 minutes later*
[Googling]
How many calories in a bottle of white wine?
Maybe it’s love, or maybe she just can’t unclasp that damn bracelet on her wrist without help
My sisters made me watch their kids last night. At one point all six of them were crying, but I just kept rap battling them one by one.
ME: I had to fix dad’s computer after the power surge.
HER: Motherboard?
ME: No, she was watching TV.
me: *shaking fortune cookie* will i be smart one day?
Five Guys: thats a peanut.
Her: Be a dear and hand me that cup.
Me: *jumps in front of a car*
Her: Dear, not deer.
My soul floating away: Craaaaap.
judas: i would never betray jesus he’s the best
jesus: my favorite movie is the Minions Movie
judas: i am going to betray the son of God
If you’re short on time in the morning, pouring a little gasoline in your toaster will make it cook faster.
I used to wear tailored suits. Now I have “good” leggings, “grocery store” leggings and “so it’s come to this” leggings.
No thank you, shower sex. I’ll just step out of the shower and injure myself the old fashioned way.
I refused to ask a guy with a Blackberry what time it was because he doesn’t even know what year it is.
I hope when I inevitably choke to death on gummy bears people just say I was killed by bears and leave it at that.
This could be us, but you weedin’.
the helium shortage is only being made worse by inflation
The scar above my left eyebrow is from jumping out of a car to escape a Phil Collins song.
Sorry, “hella” was an inappropriate word choice. I was trying to be cool. I’ll rephrase: Your son is totally missing.
After a long journey Frodo and Sam arrive to return the One Ring to the fires of Mt. Doom
Frodo: Dude dont be mad, but I forgot the receipt
I just googled “jokes to tell right before you die” and if that doesn’t tell you what kind of person I am, I don’t know what does.
How many lost cats walk by the telephone pole with their missing flier on it? Just another reason to teach your cat to read.
This day in history. 1961. In Spain the fascist government of Generalissimo Francisco Franco declared equal rights for women and men. None.
What If When You Die They Ask You
“How Was Heaven?”
Babe, calm down. I don’t think you heard me. They’re MAGIC beans.
My signature move is getting drunk before anyone can ask me to be the designated driver.
You could never commit the JFK assassination today. You’d be cancelled
Nurse: You can come inside now.
*Stands up*
*Dusts off jacket*
*Straightens bow tie*
*Fastens cufflinks*
*Ahem*
“That’s what she said”
Oh we’re halfway there
Oh oh running from a bear
I pushed you down
Accidentally I swear
Oh oh eaten by a bear
You were eaten by a bear
Avril Lavigne: He was a boy, she was a girl, can I make it any more obvious?
Homicide detective: I’m gonna need you to try.