You could never commit the JFK assassination today. You’d be cancelled
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Such bullshit that people stop saying “You ate it all! Good job!” once you reach a certain age
with extra mice
“rice or mice”
mice
“we don- are u a snake”
yes
“we cant deliver to a snake”
d’you know how long it took to dial this number
I’m not your GameBoy, quit pushing my buttons
I’m not saying I’ve been doing a lot of online shopping, but now every time our dogs bark, all three kids yell “mom, your Amazon is here.”
“Pete’s coming for dinner tonight.”
“Pete from work or Pete who thinks he can walk through doors?”
[Massive thud]
“I’ll just check.”
My kids are always accusing me of having a favorite child which is ridiculous because I don’t really like any of them
In summer, I drive with hands at 11 and 1 so the air conditioner vents point directly at my armpits.
Whenever I hear someone call my name, my first instinct is to walk faster
•a lion stalks a fawn•
•a man steps out from behind tree•
I’m Chris Hansen from NBCs to catch a predator, do u know how old that deer is?
Fell on the stairs and I’m happy to report that my dog immediately came to rescue… the empty can of cat food in my hand.
I love how I can spend all day unabashedly getting naked and intimate with strangers but then wait until it’s dark outside to put my garbage on the curb because I do not want to be observed by people
her: I’m a cat person
me: I’m more of a dog pers-
her: [starts licking hind leg]
me: oooOoo k
*watches How To Lose A Guy In 10 Days*
pfft… I could do it in 8
Did you know?
Baby kangaroos are called joeys because they are the enforcers for the Marsupial Mafia.
If you look to me for any advice, what comes next, as well as any subsequent jail time, is on you.
Was glad my kids didn’t scream for me to come deal with the bug but also concerned when they named him Jerry before they killed it.
We don’t have Taco Bell in South Africa because this country’s been through too much already.
Her: “I want you to have this bracelet that belonged to my grandfather.”
Me: “Why does it say ‘Do Not Resuscitate’ on it?”
Rejected Disney Movie Titles:
1) Find My Fish Son
2) A Shit Ton Of Spotted Dogs
3) Peter Pot
4) Pretty Lady & Big Foot Face
5) It’s Cold
[first day as therapist]
patient: i’m in a weird place
me: *petting goat* but it’s cheap
I miss the days when my work wife and my wife wife were different people.
[after the apocalypse]
God: *counting souls* I’ll trade you a podcaster for an uber driver
Satan: *unwrapping his third social media influencer* no way man
[if I acted in real life the way guys do online]
*running up to interrupt 2 guys I don’t know, super out of breath* hey, just wanna let you know that joke you made earlier sucked big time
Oh my god don’t get heckled by British soccer fans. I didn’t even do anything and 150 of them just chanted my bank login and password back to me to the tune of Wonderwall. Are you kidding me
The courtroom I’m in this morning is astonishingly relaxed, and the judge looks like a kid cosplaying as a judge. Doogie Howser, J.D.
When teenagers behave well in the cinema: I believe the children are our future, teach them well and let them lead the way
When teenagers talk through the whole film: Why Won’t The Woke Left Let Us Smack Other People’s Children? – Me for The Telegraph
You’re technically never cheated on you were just in a surprise polyamorous relationship
Hey baby, do you like tan lines? Because I fell asleep with a badminton racquet on my face again and
*accidentally walks into lion’s den
*goes back to party in lion’s living room
Moved my clocks forward and they fell off the shelves