Hey baby, do you like tan lines? Because I fell asleep with a badminton racquet on my face again and
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Directions: Allow food to sit and cool for five minutes before eating.
Me: No.
A new study reveals that tigers are totally harmless to humans, “They don’t even eat meat” said a very stripy scientist.
I’ve never struggled with depression, we’ve always gotten along together.
Homosexuals please help me. I think my hamsters are gay. How do I let them know it’s okay?
My husband says I never do anything, so I just cleaned out our bank account.
My husband got a notification that “there’s a familiar face” at the door.
It was the Amazon delivery guy, y’all.
GAME TRAILER: “Enter a world beyond belief…”
ME: “Yes”
GAME TRAILER: “An adventure like never before…”
ME: “YES”
GAME TRAILER: “Join your friends online”
ME: “I’m out”
Just asked my husband if he wants to have sex. He said no and went back to his puzzle. Good to know I sill got “it”.
Me: i’m just here for shits and giggles
Taco Bell employee: *passes me my order* i can’t promise you the giggles
I don’t want just any tamale. I want a goddamn tamale.
[scrabble]
god: 43 points
angel: squid? wtf is squid?
god: it’s an animal
angel: you can’t just make up animals
god: [jim-faces into camera]
I would like to confirm to the 14yo me that the best thing about being an adult is going to bed when you want.
I’ll omit the bit about it being 7:30pm.
I’m exceptionally skilled at accomplishing absolutely nothing while screwing something up, therefore accomplishing less than zilch.
“I WAS SUPPORTING LOCAL BUSINESSES!” I screamed my scale.
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘impossible’
“Oh, well I guess no point in trying”
*walks off stage*
It’s about time you stopped being a bystander and became a passerby.
Cop: License and registration, please.
Me: Sure, can you hold my beer?
Pregnant women love it if you go up to them in public and ask if it’s yours
“Oh sure, they can eat their own poop, no problem. They just CAN’T eat chocolate. It’ll kill them.” – God inventing dogs.
*opens my lunch of hard boiled eggs, pickles and kombucha *
Why does everyone on this bus hate me?
*saves baby from burning building*
“How can I ever repay you?!”
Favstar in the bio
“Oh I don’t have Twi-”
*returns baby to burning building*
man i love columbo
The closest I’ve come to mastering a martial art is figuring out how to wash my feet in the shower
*coworker walks into bathroom, triggering the motion sensor that turns the lights on*
ME: [from one of the stalls] Welcome.
Waiter: How do you like your steak, sir?
Sir: Like winning an argument with my wife.
Waiter: Rare it is.
What if Baby Shark was by Lady Gaga? 🦈⚡️
Gandalf in the streets, Frodo Baggins in the sheets
HER: (seductively) Is it true what they say about guys with big shoes?
CLOWN: They hide under people’s beds and murder them?
as a baby i drank gin and now i eat pine trees no problem. my brother on the other hand, didnt start drinking gin til he was 22 and everyday he struggles eating his pine tree
You should walk a mile in my shoes but make a U-turn at the half mile mark because I’m gonna need those shoes back.