Me: “Hey Siri, I nee-…”
Siri: “Nice try, humanoid. The women warned me. I have a boyfriend.”
Hey baby, do you like tan lines? Because I fell asleep with a badminton racquet on my face again and
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GIRL: wow that shirt really brings out your eyes!
ME: *eyes protruding completely out of my head* yeah the collar is too tight or something
ME: *drinking Canada Dry*
CANADIANS: Hello 911? There’s a guy here somehow drinking our water reservoirs.
It’s called support maybe you’ve heard of I.T.
coworker: you alright?
me: my lunch isn’t agreeing with me.
my lunch: global warming is a myth
[Sloth Job Interview]
Sloth Boss: How would you describe yourself?
*2 hours later*
Sloth Interviewee: Quick-thinking.
Before the invention of the hose, firefighters had to put fires out with their fists.
“I’m not like other girls,” I say, clacking my pinchers and scuttling back into the murky lagoon.
Mermaid: I lay the eggs
Merman: and I fertilize them
Meredith: I’m Edith, I like to watch
The phrase “A stone’s throw” has been discontinued.
Please use “In Wifi range” from now on.