@radtoria

Hey baby, do you like tan lines? Because I fell asleep with a badminton racquet on my face again and

You Might Also Like

@FacepalmCircus

Me: “Hey Siri, I nee-…”
Siri: “Nice try, humanoid. The women warned me. I have a boyfriend.”

@Brampersandon_

GIRL: wow that shirt really brings out your eyes!

ME: *eyes protruding completely out of my head* yeah the collar is too tight or something

@dave_cactus

ME: *drinking Canada Dry*
CANADIANS: Hello 911? There’s a guy here somehow drinking our water reservoirs.

@papasuncle

coworker: you alright?
me: my lunch isn’t agreeing with me.
my lunch: global warming is a myth

@Tmoney68

[Sloth Job Interview]

Sloth Boss: How would you describe yourself?

*2 hours later*

Sloth Interviewee: Quick-thinking.

@TheRobCee

Before the invention of the hose, firefighters had to put fires out with their fists.

@whatmaddness

“I’m not like other girls,” I say, clacking my pinchers and scuttling back into the murky lagoon.

@malt_skull

Mermaid: I lay the eggs
Merman: and I fertilize them
Meredith: I’m Edith, I like to watch

@meh_thinks

The phrase “A stone’s throw” has been discontinued.
Please use “In Wifi range” from now on.