A new study reveals that tigers are totally harmless to humans, “They don’t even eat meat” said a very stripy scientist.
You Might Also Like
Guy sitting next to me on the airplane is eating his sandwich like a starved hyena and chunks of food keep landing on my leg….What’s the proper etiquette for this? I eat it right?!
I found $100 in my pocket this morning and almost quit my job
Congratulations to all the people currently in a coma, well played.
A guy riding a bike past me said “hey how you doing” just before I called over my dog with kissing sounds, which was awkward but now I have a date
If at first you don’t succeed you will get a lot of advice from people who didn’t succeed either.
Not a lot of people know this but if you tell someone with chronic pain that they should “just try meditating” then they are legally allowed to poke you in the eye
It’s a good thing I brought poopy bags so my dog can clean up after me.
kids: *having a rough day*
air-conditioning: *broken*
me: *sweaty and irritated*
underwire bra: would be a shame if something were to suddenly…snap
Told my kid that he had a viral infection and now he’s excited because he thinks he’s going to be famous online.
Me: I look like shit today.
Shit: you wish buddy.
[runs inside of a gas station]
“I NEED TO USE YOUR BATHROOM! IT’S AN EMERGENCY!”
*takes a selfie in the bathroom mirror for an IG # game
If you get a new job before you quit your old one, it’s considered responsible.
But if you do that with your gf, it’s called “cheating.”
I have two boyfriends!
Well, I’m dating two men
Okay. Ben and I are just friends
Same with Jerry
Fine. I have ice cream.
But it’s love.
Me: I think I’m just scared of change.
Therapist: *flips a quarter*
Me: *screams*
Yogi’s cousin Yoga Bear teaches classes at the maul & carried off a camper named Matt.
Me: [in Airplane Mode] Don’t call me
Me: [in Airplane! Mode] Don’t call me Shirley
Oh, to be a rat with a pancake
Me: When I walk into the room everyone hisses at me
Therapist: How does that make you feel?
Me: Like filling my house with vipers was less awesome than I’d imagined
Sometimes I wish camouflage were more effective so I wouldn’t have to see the people who wear it.
wife:Gotta go. You guys gonna be ok?
me [making my Pop-Tart pop out of the toaster and trying to catch it] Come on!
wife:9, you’re in charge
One time we sold our house and when we were moving my husband commented how the blinds never collected dust. “Let’s try to buy those same blinds!”
Me, the invisible duster: ok
Genie: I want infinite bananas
Banana Salesman:
Genie: Do u see how annoying that is
starbuck cashier: can i get a name
guy ordering in front of me: it’s Ben
me: ONE WEEK since you looked at me
I write fake chores on my to-do list just to scribble them out, then my husband thinks I do more.
When a really horrible person dies I always like to think of it as them being recalled.
[wife looking at credit card statement] did you buy a “talk like lil jon” audiobook
me: WHAT
paperclip: the staple for people with commitment issues.
Pretty sure Dora goes on crazy adventures with a monkey because her mom is on Twitter.
huge drama on my block rn. basically my crows got tired of the local squirrels always taking some of the food i leave out. so now, as an act of retaliation— the crows are going yard to yard, finding the squirrels’ stashes, & eating everything. squirrels are watching in horror
Read It and Weep: A Book on How to Cry