One time we sold our house and when we were moving my husband commented how the blinds never collected dust. “Let’s try to buy those same blinds!”
Me, the invisible duster: ok
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I don’t know what’s happening here, but I am definitely going to check it out.
Mark Zuckerberg, 2003: “Hmm, I’m tired of going door-to-door telling people their grandma is racist … there has to be a better way …”
Sometimes I drink water to surprise my liver
Imagine if a centipede had to cut its toenails.
The reason I don’t use Uber is any one of you could be a driver.
“Good parenting isn’t giving your kid everything she needs, but rather it is giving her the tools to enable her to obtain those things for herself” I reflect as I apply the finishing touches to my 5 year old‘s flamethrower.
if bowser kidnapped my wife, i wouldn’t ask for a background music, no matter how much fun i’d be having chasing turtles.
Runner: What’s your fastest race?
Me: Taking the trash out at night
Three things you should not watch being made are sausages, laws, and your little brother.
**both sitting at the pub having a beer**
Me: So. What’d you give up for Lent?
Friend: I gave up drinking.
Me:
Friend:
Me: No.
Friend: I gave up drinking standing up?
Me: Nicely done.
Friend: We should do shots to celebrate….
The Cranberries. Great band name. You pick a fruit and you get to work.
I optimistically invited guests for this weekend while my house was unusually clean and now a week later I see why that was a mistake
*watching movie with demon killer clown*
Me to husband: Ridiculous, so unbelievable! Did you see the size of that kid’s bedroom
[ Dad having “the talk” with his daughter]
Dad- The best way to protect yourself is to use a condor.
Girl- You mean a condom?
Dad- * Hands her a gauntlet * Nope.
I got new neighbors. Very noisy girls. I unsuccessfully asked them to lower their music severally. Unsuccessfully informed caretaker. So today, I’d had enough. I put on Spotify, tweaked the Sony system to 100, & left. My phone is ringing like nonsense. Unsuccessfully.
My eyes: *see baby on board sign*
My brain: surfing infant
Cheer up.
Last week: Plague.
Today: Tornado Watch.
Monday: Frogs. Just watch. It’ll be frogs.
I miss the eighties when the biggest problem was saving the local youth center with a break dancing fundraiser.
Me: *excited as bird flies up to me* Aw a bird friend, hey little bird!
Bird: Sorry, I thought you were someone else.
[first day as a detective]
cop: there were no footprints at the crime scene
me: *under breath* birds
WIFE: You know Hogwarts isn’t real? It’s just part of series of fantasy novels.
ME: *chasing an owl around my garden*
WHATEVER MUGGLE!!!
[Wildebeest being lowered Mission Impossible-style from a helicopter to graze the grasses of Buckingham Palace]
[Morgan Freeman voice] Isolated from his group, this penguin will not survive
[penguin voice] Hey dude, I can hear you.
Probably the hardest part about being God is deciding between two equally terrible youth soccer teams that have just prayed to win.
Me: I’m really into architecture.
Her: Contemporary…modern?
Me: LEGO.
That’s so nice of Activia to offer a money back guarantee. Am I supposed to send them pictures of myself not shitting?
Me: GUESS WHO BOUGHT A MEGAPHONE?
Neighbour: Get out of my house!
Me: You’re not even guessing.
Hey Billy Joel it’s called a pianist.
Did you know pigs have orgasms that last 30 minutes?
This is God thanking them for bacon.