Mark Zuckerberg, 2003: “Hmm, I’m tired of going door-to-door telling people their grandma is racist … there has to be a better way …”
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Make friends at the park by telling strangers that you died in this exact spot 200 years ago today
Mildred’s cat, Mildred, is missing.
On a related note, Mildred named her cat Mildred.
Which is probably why the cat left in the first place.
Adding “family” to words sucks out all the fun: Vacation? Family vacation. Car? Family car. Movie? Family movie. Affair? Family affair.
Her idea of extending an olive branch was to sharpen one end first, then extend it REALLY hard.
Cost me $200 to fill up my tank tonight. Don’t know why I bought a tank, so impractical.
I thought toddlers were the most energetic, obsessive, and relentless people on earth. And then someone got mad at me on Facebook.
Me: I am so approachable and easy to get along with
Anyone: hey girl
Me: 😠
Anyone: excuse me ma’am
Me: 😡
Anyone: yo mister
Me: 😡😡😡
Just think, if Aristotle would have been a cow, today we’d all be studying meadowphysics.
I try to live my life like every one of the ten people Beyoncé follows.
Just got my test results back and my cholesterol level is a cheese bratwurst.
ME: I have to jet to the office real quick after breakfast, so—
FAMILY: We have a JET?!
ME: I meant—
FAMILY: Can we ride in the jet?
ME:
FAMILY: Is the jet invisible?
ME: Yes, that is definitely the case
Just been on a date with a dentist. It went well and she says she’d like to see me again in six months.
“Alexa, yell at my kids to behave every 7 minutes. I’m headed to the bar.”
angel: they seem to be doing well
God: give them more diseases
angel: is that really necess-
God: and social anxiety and kill a gorilla
Whoever designated mini cupcakes as “two-bite” has greatly underestimated my #cupcake eating abilities.
why isn’t thunder called soundning
My boyfriend asked for a dirty pic last night, I was able to get my whole kitchen in the shot. That should last him a while! He’s so weird.
On medical forms I put down Elon Musk as my emergency contact so he can build a space catapult to hurl my body into the sun when I die.
You look so perfect standing there,
In my American Apparel underwear,
But I know now you probably opened the wrong Christmas present grandma
[person having normal conversation with me]
Brain: that reminds me of a song, you should sing as a response
I’m more than willing to test out that whole “money can’t buy happiness” thing.
Just stepped on the scale. Now I have to replace a broken window and add $467 to the curse word jar.
Now that we’re divorcing,
I’m definitely not finishing that scarf I’ve been knitting you for nine years
Him: When I suggested we try a little role play, this is not what I had in mind
Me: [in Jabba the Hutt costume] JUST PUT ON THE GOLD BIKINI
6 year old: I ate all my lunch today!!
The evidence to the contrary:
me: *listening to the new song I like 4,000 times on repeat*
the ghost I don’t know lives in my apartment: *trying to hang himself but he’s already dead*
Her: My computer is running so slow!
Me: Really? How many browser tabs do you have open?
Her:
Me: Is it less than 500?
Her: Never mind.
My 5 year old memorized my phone number and I just figured out he gives it to everyone he encounters
[digging through lost and found]
Target employee: What are you trying to find?
Me: My son