Just stepped on the scale. Now I have to replace a broken window and add $467 to the curse word jar.
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“I hate hashtags!” Dad screams as he smashes his #1 Dad coffee mug against a wall.
Cookie Monster have other things going. Whole life not just cookie.
if HBO wants me to watch a Game Of Thrones spin off I want a personal apology for season 8. 12 pt font, double spaced, no funny business on the margins
About two weeks ago @funTweeters used one of my tweets on their website. My mom still has that tweet on the refrigerator.
Saying “I’m practicing social distancing”
-everyone doing it
-not very exciting
-no varietyExclaiming “keep your hands off me good sir!”
-classy
-are you a character in a victorian novel?
-implies someone would want to touch you
A bee is willing to end it’s own life just to cause you a tiny amount of pain. I can relate to that level of pettiness.
“Welcome to 9-1-1, Florida. If you’re calling about a matter related to George Zimmerman, please press 2. Otherwise, stay on the line…”
My kids keep fighting over who gets to fool me next and maybe that’s the real prank
selena gomez
“I want to put a baby in you,” I whisper to the microwave over the sound of the infant crying next door.
If Disney did a film about a pet rock, they’d still find a way to kill off one of the parents.
Falling asleep at work didn’t get me in trouble. Falling asleep at work and snoring got me in trouble.
Atheists certainly have a lot to say about the nothing they believe in.
Kids are away so I’m taking my wife out tonight.
-Like with an assassin or are you doing it yourself?
Um, like…to dinner.
-Cool, cool.
I have a kidney to donate. It’s not mine, so I don’t know much about it.
[outside of bank]
Guy (puts on pantyhose mask): Ok!
Guy 2 (puts on mask): Ready!
Me (wearing pantyhose): Ok, I’m gonna need a minute.
Cell mate: What you are in for?
Me: foraging
Cell mate: don’t you mean forgery?
Me (with my cheeks full of nuts): huh?
“…until death do us part” okee sure, death of what tho?
Next time a doctor asks if I have a family history of cancer, I’m going to reply, “yeah, but only the ones that wanted to work really hard for it.”
Him: Are you crazy crazy, Craigslist crazy, or institutionalize crazy?
Me: Yes
Therapist: And what do we say when we feel like this?
Me: That’s show biz baby
Therapist: No
Like watching a full length movie – but in just 27-seconds…
wife: what’s bothering you, hun?
attila: the romans
Got thrown out of the theater during the Superman movie but was able to sneak back in by putting on glasses.
Every time I see someone holding hands I get triggered to play red rover with them.
I preface this by stating that I love my local library but, seriously, how difficult would it be for them to add a bar? Nothing fancy – just a few spirits, domestic beer. But oh no, apparently there are ‘other places’ better suited to accommodate such things!
I was jumping on the trampoline with my son and now my neighbour won’t stop mowing his lawn next to the fence
Was trying to get shots of my new hair and you can see exactly the moment I spotted the enormous daddy long-legs on the wall
I don’t know what’s more embarrassing, accidentally sending nudes to your boss or getting a pay decrease as a result of your nudes.
Whenever І wake up and see that someone has wrіtten a bunch of funny tweets before noon, І assume they are a mornіng drіnker.