“I hate hashtags!” Dad screams as he smashes his #1 Dad coffee mug against a wall.
You Might Also Like
For Tolkien writing was Hobbit forming.
You can’t scare me, I grew up on ‘80s horror movies and still took a job as a camp counselor on a lake.
Failed Pickup Lines:
“Baby, my memory may be selective but I’m not.”
GIRLFRIEND: Hold on, Dan’s calling.
ME: Tell him I said, “Hi.” He’ll know what it means.
GIRLFRIEND: …I assume it means “Hi.”
ME: Yeah I didn’t say he was the only one who’d know what it means.
Prosecutor: What exactly were you doing May 26, 2016?
Me: According to my tweets, I was sitting in my car eating Wendy’s.
me: somebody stole a painting. they broke in, disabled the alarm–
detective: okay I got the picture
me: wow that was really fast
Child: Can I borrow one of your shirts?
Me: Why?
Child: It’s School Spirit Week.
Me: And?
Child: Today is “Dress Like an Old Person Day.”
I wear jogging pants underneath my running pants in case I need to slow down.
[time machine appears in my old bedroom]
FUTURE ME: Put that book down, go outside, and enjoy your youth.
YOUNG ME: [stunned] Okay, okay *runs outside*
[time machine ceases to exist]
FUTURE ME: Dammit. I really should have thought this through.
LEAD ARCHAEOLOGIST: Okay, the bones are fragile, so we want to brush very gently and remember not to, say, put them in our mouths or anything.
DOG ARCHAEOLOGIST: I can tell you’re talking about me and that’s offensive.
Imagine being hungry and some guy tries to teach you to fish
Me: These eye makeup remover pads are amazing.
Mom: Those are medicated hemorrhoidal pads.
Historian : Rome wasn’t built in a day.
Me : [Trying to impress the girls] He’s right, you know, it was built in Italy.
It’s like my Granddad used to say “Sarcasm is not a good thing to bring to a gun fight either.”
me: if the prince truly loved cinderella he would remember her face. he just had a foot fetish and great resources.
guy: where is our regular priest
[Ariel climbs Rapunzel’s hair with a dinglehopper between her teeth]
“There can only be one socially awkward Princess,” she vows savagely.
A religious family member literally said “Spongebob goes too far sometimes” and I can not stop laughing.
I have no tolerance for people who refuse to give different voices to characters in a book they’re reading to their kid.
I feel like landlords who don’t allow dogs but DO allow children don’t know very much about children.
You can’t tell me what to do, you’re not a bowl of mashed potatoes.
Repairman: Your refrigerator door came off its hinges from overuse. We are seeing a lot of this lately
Me: *from the couch* Could you bring me a sandwich?
We’ve secretly replaced the G with a K on this bottle of Jergens.
Let’s see if he notices.
Make friends with an enemy today. Hug them. Caress their cheek. Lick their eyeball. Cough directly into their mouth.
if you ever need to teach me a lesson, there is no reason to send three ghosts. a single ghost will do. im not committed enough to any of my negative personality traits to be like “sorry but i’m gonna keep on stealing from walmart unless you make this a multi-ghost situation”
*reading* 160 calories *thinking* Let me break it down to see how much I should eat. *reading and thinking* The can is 14.2 ounces, the serving size is 245 grams and the servings per container are about 3.
And we wonder why America is getting fat.
MATH
DETECTIVE: TELL US WHERE THE STOLEN BANK MONEY IS HIDDEN
ROBBER: Nope, but I WILL give you a series of clues
DETECTIVE: ok this sounds fun
If you don’t like someone, set them free. If they come back, use pepper spray.
I’ve really grown as a parent recently. Outwards.
Dad law states that you can use your kids’ piggy bank money to pay the ice cream truck. Especially when your wife and kids aren’t home.