It’s like my Granddad used to say “Sarcasm is not a good thing to bring to a gun fight either.”
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Dating: Your eyes hypnotize me
Married: Your eye rolls hypnotize me
*calls out under the bed
Me: Are you still there?
Monster: Nope. Go to sleep.
The theory that two stacked beds can’t be converted into two regular beds has been debunked.
If you wake me with a text at 5am, I will answer you because I’m helpful but the answer will be that night at 2am because I’m also vengeful.
[first date]
*emptying jar of coins into coinstar* “almost done”
so where are we going after this?
“what”
Child: I need to be dismissed from school, my stomach hurts.
Also child, after being dismissed: [orders himself DoorDash from McDonald’s at 8 PM]
@funTweeters just starred 1 of my tweets. It’s like getting a personal letter fr Jennifer Lawrence, & it asks if she can borrow some stamps.
I’m so poor I can only afford Middle Ramen.
“Get off the phone”
“Wash your hands”
“Pull up your pants”
“Make me dinner”My son runs a pretty tight ship in our household
[interview]
Boss: Your CV says eggs, milk, bread
Me: That’s right
[cut to supermarket]
Wife: Excuse me, where are the attention to details?
girls w long ass hair love to cut three inches off and be like “i love my short hair omg it’s so short”
sneaking out of costco with extra samples like
Before I die I want to be chased through the back of a Chinese restaurant.
Life hack: enter your birthday as being on a different week on each restaurant membership so you get a freebie each weekend.
Dr: Read the chart for me please.
Me: Needs immediate psych evaluation?
Dr: Ma’am, I was talking about the eye chart.
Always remember –
If you’re having a conversation with somebody that doesn’t speak English, just talk louder.
Nothing can destroy your good opinion of a company quicker than working for them.
My biggest fear is getting a 200 page email that ends with “Thoughts?”
10,000 chores when all you need is a nap
There are two types of people: Those who are always ten minutes early and those who think it only takes ten minutes to get anywhere, and they marry each other.
Grill became self-aware just in time to realize where it’s headed
A wise man once said… absolutely nothing.
He let her vent and then they had sex afterward.
I am 30 minutes into home schooling my 6 year old. I suggest that all school teachers are paid £1m per year from now on.
Every time I see a person handing out flyers it blows my mind that some people actually get paid to distribute garbage to strangers.
ordered a few pizzas for dinner online, but i forgot to click the “later” setting, so now we’re having dinner at 1:50pm.
I’m the type of guy you could spend the rest of your life with, if you never take your meds again.
Stop telling everyone I’m posting from earth. People don’t need to know where I live.
DAUGHTER: Mom asked me to check on you and the eggnog making
ME [wrestling a screaming chicken into a blender full of milk]: GRAB ITS LEGS
So what does everyone do with their dryer lint
Astronaut: Dave, that’s not necessary in zero-G.
Penguin: [flapping wings] Just let me have this.