Before I die I want to be chased through the back of a Chinese restaurant.
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Obama keeps trying to get me to kiss this top secret document from Syria but I keep telling him I’m not the kinda guy who’ll kiss intel
The aliens only appear to people in the US because they’ve heard so much about its many hummus flavours
Me: Go to bed
5-year-old: One more question
Me: Fine
5: Who would win if Luke Skywalker fought Harry Potter?
Me
5:
Me: Get some coffee
cow: where does milk come from?
me: *laughs*
cow: *laughs*
farmer: *laughs*
milk man: *laughs*
everyone: *laughs*
cow: but no, seriously.
My wife just found a coupon for lice treatment and yelled to everyone in the house “if you’re gonna get lice, people, get it now!”
The worst thing about switching from Android to an iPhone is the almond milk.
Looking at the huge commercial success of the ‘Barbie’ movie means I’m already bracing myself for the inevitable ‘Mr. Clean’ movie starring Dwayne ‘The Rock’ Johnson.
Me: I want a serious long term relationship
Literally anyone: Hey I’m interested in you!
Me: *shivers* better hide in bed for 6 months.
I still have a landline. Or as I like to call it, Cell Phone Finder.
Once a guy leaned into kiss me and I panicked and flicked him. Then he was like DID YOU JUST- DID YOU? FLICK? ME
And I laughed so hard I cried
So yeah! I’m great at dating
Just learned that the main guy from the Sopranos was named Tony Soprano what’s next you’re gonna tell me the guy from True Detective is called Tony True Detective c’mon
Co-Worker: You say apparently a lot.
Me: Yes, I know.
CW: It really bothers me.
M: Apparently so.
CW: You don’t care.
M: Apparently not.
GOD [creating humans] make them intelligent, sophisticated and rational
ANGEL: ok cool
GOD: but if they get told a plate is hot, they have to touch it lol
Can we go skydiving on our first date? I want to hear what you sound like when you think you might die.
-me, flirting
I guess it’s time to start acting my age. Seriously when I was born, the Dead Sea was just sick.
Maybe I’m old fashioned, but I just want a girl who gets at least 100 likes on every selfie.
My son can’t decide if he wants to be a Psychologist or a Proctologist so I told him to flip a coin: Heads or tails.
If couples who are in love are called love birds, then really, couples who always fight should be called angry birds!
oh, internet, you didn’t even exist when this happened to me. every weekend.
Me; Alexa! Start understanding my Indian accent
Alexa: Here’s what I found on Wikipedia about median cement
My wife handed me a paring
knife to slice some peaches.Apparently we don’t have
a peaching knife.
*escorted from Starbucks
I SWEAR, I LEFT MY SCARF IN THE CAR!
[the funeral of the writer of the hokey-pokey]
funeral director: why is it taking so long to get him in the coffin?
employee: well every time i put his left leg in…
WORK TIP: Respond to all your boss’s emails with “Heyyyy you!”
me: I can’t tell you how long I’ve been waiting
clock repairman: I know, please stop saying that
When someone tells me that no parenting technique works for every child, I remind them of the 7 Cs: Connection, Compassion, Communication, Chocolate, sCreen time, and Covering your ear holes with Cotton balls.
A “Purge” comedy where two pals accidentally kill someone a week before the purge and try to fake the person’s life until the murder would be legal.
*Brings Oreos to a Christmas cookie exchange*
God: you’re a kiwi.
Kiwi: so I’m a bird but I can’t fly?
God: true but you can do something other birds CAN’T.
Kiwi: really what’s that?
God: you can smell through your beak so good!
Kiwi:
God:
Kiwi: wanna know what I smell right now?
God: sure!
Kiwi: I smell bullsh-
A woman just told me I should leave twitter if I don’t have anything sensible to say.
She’s obviously a newbie.