Me; Alexa! Start understanding my Indian accent
Alexa: Here’s what I found on Wikipedia about median cement
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“I know you! You were one of the bad guys in Titanic!” I yelled at the ocean, who ignored me like most celebrities.
[job interview]
“Under skill it says nicknames?”
“You know it Sex Dragon.”
“Sex Dragon wants to know when you can start?”
My husband did a load of dishes and folded a load of laundry and then complained that I didn’t even notice and I laughed so hard I almost coughed up a lung.
😅🤣😂
I wanted to do a random act of kindness, so I took a parking ticket off a car and threw it in the garbage. Boom ticket gone.
Me: (goes back in time to kill baby Hitler)
Hitler: Goo goo ga ga
Me: I can’t do it(goes ahead in time to when he’s a teenager)
Hitler: Nice haircut granddad
Me: *cocks gun*
I can’t come into work. I opened a cursed sarcophagus and now I gotta put a pharaoh’s soul to rest. I DUNNO, TAD, I’LL PROBABLY BE IN MONDAY
giv a man a fish adn he’ll say “wat is this i ordered a mcflurry”
teach a man to fish adn he’ll say “how ar u the manager of this mcdonalds”
me: i’m sad about this thing
therapist: but it’s not about that thing
me: ok thx here’s $175
drunk driving may kill a lot of people, but it also helps a lot of people get to work on time, so, it;s impossible to say if its bad or not,
That awkward moment when you realize your wife’s funeral is turning into a sausage-fest.
“a quiet place” sequel cALLED “A LOUD PLACE” WHERE EVERYONE HAS TO KEEP SHOUTING AND MAKING ALL SORTS OF RUCKUS TO AVOID CREATURES THAT HUNT SILENCE
we never drank water growing up i don’t even know how im alive right now
I came across an account that only tweeted about fedoras, so I reported him for hat speech.
Just violently swatted an almond with a flip flop if anyone needs a hero
Imagine the scariest ride you’ve ever been on ….
Got it?
Then there’s dating me.
You can always tell when someone is on a diet by how they scrape every last bit from that yogurt container.
Millennials hate visitors but love having the most advanced doorbell money can buy.
I love that Twitter is so international. I can hit “send” & be misunderstood by people all over the world almost instantly.
I envy the women who can bite their bottom lip and look sexy. I do that and it’s a toss up between “does she need to go to the bathroom and is lost?” Or “is she getting that piece of corn out from her teeth?”
MY WIFE:We named you after our favorite songs. You were mine
LAYLA: I love that
ME: And you mine
THEME FROM DUCKTALES: No, yeah, I figured
Did you know you have the right to remain silent even when you’re not being arrested?
You can blame those “meddling kids” all you want. But let’s face it. Your entire plan was to dress up like a ghost.
“Listen, Barbara, I’ll be at my sister’s until you can get your shit together. Please don’t forget to water the plants.”
If my cat keeps packing on the pounds, I’m going to rent him out as a weighted blanket.
Legos cost way too much for smthg I still have to put together myself
Therapist: why can’t you introduce your two groups of friends to each other?
Me: [told one group my name was the space cowboy and the other it was the gangster of love] I just can’t ok
me: i trained my dog to talk
her: let’s see
me: describe sandpaper
dog: ruff
me: the outer layer of a tree
dog: bark
her: this sucks
me: that little rapper guy
dog: bow wow
[Jack Ryan]
CIA BOSS: who are you
JACK: (trying to be cool) ryan. jack ryan
BOSS: nice to meet you ryan
JACK: no it’s
BOSS: everyone this is ryan
EVERYONE: hi ryan
RYAN: hi
He died doing what he loved, annoying the hell out of me and not believing I would stab him.