drunk driving may kill a lot of people, but it also helps a lot of people get to work on time, so, it;s impossible to say if its bad or not,
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Everyone on FB is posting the status- I voted. I guess it’s truthful Tuesday so I posted- I once killed a hobo & hid his body in a barrel.
Cats playing poker makes more sense. Dog’s tails would be a tell.
What smells better than it tastes?
A nose.
“Mr. Trump how will you beat Hillary Clinton?”
TRUMP: I’ll win NY, Florida, Ohio, we’re going to add states, Gerzona, Timbaland, Waterworld
I had beer at lunchtime and now I think I might be sitting in the wrong office
Listening to the snow getting plowed outside my window and so jealous
*holds flashlight under chin
Me: suddenly the mystery of…Son: haha Dad has like 3 chins
*drops flashlight
Me: SANTA CLAUS IS FAKE!!
Aziz Ansari dancing in the video for “Otis” is me at every wedding I’ve ever been to.
You hear a lot about golden retriever boyfriends but not girlfriends. I am one. Always excited to see you, motivated by treats and pets, constantly shedding
Sasquatch: *squinting* Nah, I still don’t believe that’s Kate.
Retweet to save a life.
#NationalGirlfriendDay
I even pretend not to be home for a knock-knock joke
Some killjoy: ‘Stop playing with your food!’
*Me and my ham sandwich get down from the seesaw*
My first act as governor? Switching the tornado sirens out with C&C Music Factory’s Everybody Dance Now.
there should be a three day weekend: one day to do Nothing, one day to do Something, and one day to do Laundry
“honey, I can’t wait to do missionary later!” *Gets excited* *Wife leaves for third world country-helps many*
[son hands me a picture he painted]
Me: what’s this
Son: it’s our house
Me: have you ever actually looked at our house
Truthful Tuesday. I don’t understand string theory or open faced sandwiches.
Isn’t it weird that the A-hole and the B-hole are the same hole?
Peace was never an option
Kid 1: Why’d you call me Aphrodite?
“After the Greek goddess of love”
Kid 2: What about me pop?
“You’re named after a famous chipmunk Alvin”
I accidentally ate the sticker on an apple. The scan code is inside me and there’s now a beep every time I check out at the grocery store.
I’m really tired of the LED headlights on some cars. Like I’m really glad you can see 92 miles ahead but the rest of us are blind now.
*Taking my mom to a place she’s never been*
My mom: Are you sure you’re going the right way?
[ cookout ]
Me: OMG this ketchup is amazing!
Host: yea yea we all know you brought the ketchup
My mum is visiting this weekend and she has taken the absolute best photo of the cats.
[Me at doctor’s office]
[thoroughly removes make up]
Me: Ok, weigh me now
My mom used to make sure we were wearing our seatbelts in the back seat by slamming on the brakes. She was a kind soul.
*grilled cheese
cheese: i want a lawyer
I’m trying to convince my boss that “ffs” is short for
“For faster service”
so I can put
“What do you need now, ffs”
in all my emails