I even pretend not to be home for a knock-knock joke
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MATH TEACHER: wanna come do the problem on the board?
ME: no
MT: i wasn’t asking
ME: if u were an english teacher you’d know that u were
This pandemic has prompted a lot of questions like, “Who is at the most risk” and “Is it airborne” and “Has my wife always chewed that loudly?”
I think everyone should get to vote which family member should get shot with a bow and arrow
*growing up in a family of six kids*
Love you dad!
Dad:
I’ve gained 20lbs since the election. If Trump stays in office much longer I’ll have to chain myself to a girl in a gold bikini.
*wakes up*
*frantically searches the bed for the donut I was eating in my dream*
Him: I won’t bore you with the details.
Me: Too late for that.
my favorite part about gambling is if you lose money you can just bet again and double the stakes and win your money back! it’s called strategy
Sharks apparently don’t like the taste of human so if you get eaten by one it wasn’t even enjoying it. just begrudgingly forcing you down. you’re dying as the ocean’s bread heel
I’ve never been kidnapped and tortured but I have been forced to go to the store before Christmas and gotten stuck behind someone buying 25 gift cards.
Neighbor thinks I’m stalking her. Any time she hears a noise she is purified. Petrified!
Sorry, not easy reading a diary thru binoculars.
Men come and go, cities rise and fall, whole civilizations appear and disappear but the one thing that remains steadfast is my teens unfailing attitude
I get really offended when people expect me to share just because I bought the “share size” pack. I bought that size to share with myself, not you
Have you ever thought about how weird it is that one of your hands is dumber than the other?
STICK BUG WIFE: We can’t seem to get pregnant
DOC: Well, we ran numerous tests…
STICK BUG WIFE: …and?
DOC: Your husband’s an actual stick
coming to theaters soon: Dawn of the Rise of the Dawn of the Planet of the Rise of the Rise of the Dawn of the Apes
I’m still awake because my brain can’t locate my sleep file, babe
centipede: *trips*
*but for like, an hour*
I’m so annoyed. I just spent 45 minutes filing my taxes and I only found out at the end it was a Buzzfeed quiz. I was like why does the IRS want to know what breakfast I think is “the most slay?” Anyway I’m a Ravenclaw.
Cops in movies keeping guard outside hospital rooms have a 0% success rate.
GF: “Call me ASAP, it’s an emergency!”
Me: “Hi ASAP, it’s an emergency!”
Celebrating a year since my bike got stolen and the wee boy put it on FB marketplace that evening and I stole it back the next day.
ME: Sorry I’m late, I had computer problems.
BOSS: Hard drive?
ME: Nah, there was no traffic, just the computer problems.
I don’t care how much you pay for sushi- you are getting a raw deal.
When my boyfriend gives me a hug during an argument, it looks loving, but I’m just patting him down to make sure he’s not wearing a wire.
That’s *exactly* what Meghan Markle would say.
Friend: My in-laws have been married for 57 years today.
Me: Gross.
Being a parent means hiding in a closet to eat a donut so you don’t have to share.
I made the obviously poor decision to only eat half of my burrito and now the other half won’t stop staring at me
I told her she’s prettier than soup without her knowing how many quality soups I’ve encountered.