I think everyone should get to vote which family member should get shot with a bow and arrow
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My walk of shame is putting back the 9 boxes of assorted cereals that my wife found in the grocery cart.
Me: Happy then grumpy, dopey, bashful, sneezy, sleepy, doc.
Doc: How the hell am I supposed to tackle all those symptoms in a ten-minute consultation?!
It’s weird how the UFO’s always seem to crash in places that only the government and military have access to.
5-year-old: Do you know what I learned at school?
Me: What?
5: I was asking you. I don’t remember.
Fill the piñata with goat intestines to teach children about the brutal consequences of violence.
To the idiots who say ghosts aren’t real, maybe you should watch this documentary called Ghostbusters.
lucifer: let’s give them free will and see how they choose
God: nice lol I’m gunna steal your idea and send you to hell
lucifer: what?
The last two weeks have been a strange ten years.
If you think Floyd Mayweather vs. Logan Paul is going to be a big fight, wait until my wife finds out I just spent $50 to watch it.
I RECEIVED AN EMAIL ALERTING ME TO “HOLIDAY TREATS” IN THE OFFICE KITCHEN AND THERE ARE FOUR ORANGES AND SOME DRIED FIGS I’M SUING
I’m the guy that lures fragile old ladies into my windowless van at night with Werthers Originals.Then safley escort them to the bingo hall.
God said, “Thou shall not kill”
And then he wiped out the entire
human race with a global flood just
because people didn’t take it
seriously
I’ve been playing GTA for an hour and I still can’t find the “exchange insurance information” button.
FRIEND: What’s the movie, where they bring that monster to life and then have to destroy it?
[at the same time]
HER: Frankenstein.
ME: Frosty the Snowman.
I purposely park three feet away from the drive thru window so Mcdonalds employees can get in their daily stretches.
Percentage of men in the world with blue eyes: 8%
Percentage of men in romance books with blue eyes: 99.9%
The urge to throw a coconut at someone.
[after my murder]
COP: Can u think why anyone would want to kill him?
WIFE: Christ yes *starts Power Point presentation* Make yourself comfy
I don’t think mall Santas should be allowed to have fake beards. Like come on Man, you’ve got one job!
Please enter new password
Me: Candy123
Password shouldn’t be similar to previous password
We recommend this password
J:$aBhh?/@‘c,2.”1f3&,0LP?!477F.91$uMe: Candy123!
well. like. what the hell does that leave me with then i mean cmon
Think you’re a tough guy?
Go eat a package of Oreos in the middle of a crowded gym.
“And then she kissed the frog and saw him turn into a prince, because kissing frogs makes you hallucinate.”
-me as a babysitter
*fakes own death*
*attends own funeral in disguise*
*takes attendance*
Interview Tip #17
be polite and maintain eye contact
[later]
Interviewer: hello
Me: *staring intensely* yes please
dog: i saw u out there
me: what?
dog: i saw u pet the neighbor dog
me: i was just–
dog: did u rub his belly? DID U ASK IF HE WAS A GOOD BOY?
Oh sure, E.T. can look for a snack in the fridge and end up drinking all the beer, but when I do it I suddenly “have a problem”, “get arrested” and am “banned from this supermarket”.
And it was upon finishing my 5th glass of wine that I realised that buying a 16 year old male chimpanzee from Facebook marketplace was the best idea I had ever had.
The evolution of the NYT cooking newsletter
I don’t use commas in my tweets I am a rebel without a pause