@PrincesaBallena

sometimes you fall asleep with your phone in your hand like you’re a raccoon clutching a hotdog
– my husband, romancing me

You Might Also Like

@dumbbeezie

I would watch the Bachelor if everyone who doesn’t get a rose gets thrown into a volcano

@mrdaveturner

There’s a woman reading the bible on the tube. Fighting the urge to lean over to her and say “He dies at the end”.

@LostCatDog

This doctor once told me eating a bagel was like eating 5 slices of bread and I was like ok, cool, I like bread

@weinerdog4life

The cops say I have to stop trying to fist fight the guy who tries to feed my house letters everyday.

@Dawn_M_

Awww it’s cute how your baby pulls my hair. Like she doesn’t realise I will pull hers right back.

@PAT_E_ROCK

Girl: So, how many inches is it?
Pat: How many inches is what?
G: You know..
P: Uhhh, about 200 dollars long.
G: OMG, It’s so big!

@THEPokerWife

After seeing your latest selfie … And knowing what you look like in real life…. I’d like to hire you for your photoshopping abilities.

@PhriendlyCody

me: she had wide eyes and red hair,

police sketch artist: *drawing*

me: like elmo

artist: *stops drawing*

me: she had an amazing laugh, and loved to be tickled

artist: *drawing*

me: like elmo

artist: *stops drawing*

@Jenny4ashley

I don’t always drink tequila but when I do, where the hell are my clothes?