@dumbbeezie I would watch the Bachelor if everyone who doesn’t get a rose gets thrown into a volcano
@PrincesaBallena sometimes you fall asleep with your phone in your hand like you’re a raccoon clutching a hotdog
– my husband, romancing me
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@dumbbeezie 
@mrdaveturner There’s a woman reading the bible on the tube. Fighting the urge to lean over to her and say “He dies at the end”.
@LostCatDog This doctor once told me eating a bagel was like eating 5 slices of bread and I was like ok, cool, I like bread
@weinerdog4life The cops say I have to stop trying to fist fight the guy who tries to feed my house letters everyday.
@Dawn_M_ Awww it’s cute how your baby pulls my hair. Like she doesn’t realise I will pull hers right back.
@PAT_E_ROCK Girl: So, how many inches is it?
Pat: How many inches is what?
G: You know..
P: Uhhh, about 200 dollars long.
G: OMG, It’s so big!
@chadpencil Brother?
@THEPokerWife After seeing your latest selfie … And knowing what you look like in real life…. I’d like to hire you for your photoshopping abilities.
@PhriendlyCody me: she had wide eyes and red hair,
police sketch artist: *drawing*
me: like elmo
artist: *stops drawing*
me: she had an amazing laugh, and loved to be tickled
artist: *drawing*
me: like elmo
artist: *stops drawing*
@Jenny4ashley I don’t always drink tequila but when I do, where the hell are my clothes?