sometimes you fall asleep with your phone in your hand like you’re a raccoon clutching a hotdog
– my husband, romancing me
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I saw the most beautiful woman at the store today so of course I did the sensible thing and imagined what our whole life would be like if we fell in love and then I never spoke to her.
The hurt I feel when someone leaves the bus seat next to mine for a newly empty one is almost exactly equal to my annoyance when they don’t.
Mini-horses are like mini-donuts, you can’t just eat one
#wecanlandonacometbutwecant let a comet land on us. – Yakov Smirnoff
MC HAMMER: U can’t touch this! … U can’t touch this!
MASSAGE THERAPIST: Please just let me do my job Mr. Hammer!
MC HAMMER: U can’t tou…
Me: finally drifting off to sleep
The alarm: you’re not gonna believe this
*plays Rocky theme song*
*cracks 5 raw eggs into glass and gulps them down*
*vomits on kitchen floor*
*turns off music*
*cleans kitchen*
I say, “know what I mean?” A lot for someone who doesn’t even know what I mean.
Opera is what happens when someone stabs you and instead of dying, you sing.
*holds Snickers under bathroom stall*
Does this smell funny?
If you get the Wordle in 5 while a toddler is screaming at you it counts as getting the Wordle in 1.
Post-it Note stuck to desk: Stop wasting Post-it Notes!
You either have a full ketchup bottle in your refrigerator or an almost empty one, there’s no in between.
Tell a woman she has cute kids and she’s all proud.
Whisper it to her and she calls the cops.
It took me 9 self inflicted ER visits, but that nurse finally realized it was love at first sight.
Why do some wine bottles wear fishnet tights?
When my 7yo gets mad at us she goes to her room and scream-sings angsty made up songs and I wonder if this is how Alanis got her start too
Sex so good, my left hand is making my right hand a sandwich.
oh shit. i’m at a doctors appointment, and i legit forgot to take the sugar glider out of my sports bra. let’s hope she stays asleep!!!
“This is from the both of us”
– my parents giving me mental illness
I keep my bouncy castle in my basement so I don’t get blown away.
I really upset my wife last week but she seems to have forgotten all about it. In fact she’s forgotten a few things since then, like my deadly nut allergy and the whereabouts of my epipen.
No one likes my practical joke of licking all the spoons in their house at 3am and that’s why I need my feelings journal today
Maybe next year… ☔️
#GreatBritishSummer #Rain
Some people cry when they meet a celebrity. Big deal! I cry when I meet anybody, whether they’re famous or not. It’s called being scared of the world, sweetie, look it up.
“Its swimsuit season” i say, eating another swimsuit
*Zuckerberg sits in front of congress*
“Mr Zuckerberg, we have several very serious questions and we demand answers”
“I have printed out all of your Internet histories”
“This meeting is over”
*Bursts into bank*
Robber: THIS IS A ROBBERY. HANDS UP. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Bank clerk: No that’s clearly a shotgun
2nd robber: OOOH SNAP!
cop: anything you say will be used against you in a court of law
me: incompetent lawyer
cop: wha-
me: tainted evidence
cop: [into walkie] c-can he do that
*extends arm for handshake*
Me: Hello, it’s nice to meet you
Friend: Sorry, but my dad is blind
Me: Oh…. HELLO, IT’S NICE TO MEET YOU