It took me 9 self inflicted ER visits, but that nurse finally realized it was love at first sight.
You Might Also Like
my house isn’t haunted i just have kids. shit goes missing at random. doors are left open. faucets left running. and don’t get me started on the screams.
[varnishing an old rocker]
keith richards: what the hell man
Me: Can you get me more sports drink at the store?
Wife: Beer isn’t a sports drink
Me: I drink it while I watch sports.
Neighbor found religion and I found spirits.
Me: Do you have any books on paranoia?
Librarian : They’re right behind you.
Have you ever met someone that was like the human form of slow WiFi?
SOUND GUY: [taps microphone] this is a test, testing, testing…1, 2, 3..
MICROPHONE: [sweatig profusley] OH GOD, UH. FOUR?!! FOUR, IS IT FOUR
lost my job at Red Lobster for saying crabsolutely too much
If you come across a bear, never push a slower friend down…even if you feel the friendship has run its course.
WAITER: u can choose between 5 potato options and a salad
ME: the 5 potato options, please
Give a man a fish and chances are you won’t be asked to be in charge of buying a gift “from all of us” anymore.
Truthfully officer, I wouldn’t have pulled over, if I known all you were gonna do is complain about my driving..
the cop walks up to my car & sees that it’s filled with smoke. he gets closer & hears the sound of fajitas grilling
I was bored and filled a spherical ice cube mold with milk. When I took it out it was perfect…until I dropped it and it broke in half. Now I’m crying over split milk.
Cinderella is my favorite story about choosing a spouse based on shoe size.
Killing an albatross won’t bring bad luck to sailors, but that is exactly the sort of thing an albatross would go around telling people.
Re-using mouthwash is one life hack you’ve heard here first
What’d you do this weekend, Aimee?
*shuts off lights & pulls out flashlight*
*acts out weekend with shadow puppets*
The pig jumped into bed with my 6-year-old all by herself.
It was super cute.
Then the pig threw up all over her.
Considerably less cute.
My kids gave me a headache so I left them a scathing review on Glassdoor.
i haven’t been able to stop thinking about this for days… what did he mean… what does he know
*puts eight small cups of urine on the nurse’s station*
Nurse: We only need one.
*puts seven small cups of urine in my purse*
My cat has been looking up at the corner of the ceiling and hissing at it for the past 30 minutes in other news I just put my house up for sale.
My best quality: telling it like it is.
My worst quality: telling it like it is.
just overheard my boyfriend, who works outside all day, describe me to someone as “an indoor cat”
being a parent of toddlers means looking up, discovering scribbles on the ceiling, shrugging, and continuing to drink your coffee.
Whenever I have a panic attack, I put a paper bag over my mouth & once I’m done drinking the alcohol inside I feel a lot better.
Imagine you discovered the ability to time travel.
You go 30 years into the future expecting to meet your future self only to discover that you’ve been missing for 30 years.
I always sleep naked. I don’t care if it makes people uncomfortable, they can just switch buses.
I was helping my son with his homework and I told him that the language attorneys use with all that legal jargon was called ‘Courtugese’ and now I have another meeting with his teacher.