Me: I think my computer’s broken
Boss: just give it to the IT guy
Me: okay *walks outside and tosses my laptop into the sewer* good luck
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Why does marriage have to be so hard?
My wife: Where did you get this number?
[blind date]
Her: so what do you do for fu..
Me: I’M 34 IF YOU DON’T FALL IN LOVE WITH ME I’M STATISTICALLY UNLIKELY TO EVER FIND A MATE
WebMD: you have all the diseases
Dark WebMD: and here’s how to spread them
Church: time to come back
Me with 3 small boys: Well, OK
Church: not you
Exercise makes you look better naked. But so does whiskey, it’s your choice.
*barber hands me the mirror to check the back*
“Looks good!” I lie, after a few seconds of being unable to get the mirror to angle properly
When they say “we are in an oversell situation and we’re offering $200 for passengers with flexible travel plans” I am absolutely the person who stands up and says “legally they have to give you 400% your ticket price. Don’t take less than $1300!! Everyone HOLD”.
[stumbles out of bar with girl]
We’ll be at my place- (struggling to unchain ten speed bike) -in no time, baby
Tell me a story and include details but not too many details like I don’t need to know about a suspicious mole
ME: I can’t find my glasses
SON: They’re on your head
ME: [beer spilling down my face] lmao not again
I don’t get the big deal with falling in love. I fell in love with a steak-Umm sandwich like 3 hours ago.
*calls ex wife three weeks after the divorce* what kind of yogurt do I like?
Her: You know I love it when you pull my hair…
Me: Yes, baby
Her: But the other people at this PTA meeting are beginning to stare.
I drink Boba and Capri Suns because I like to stab things before I enjoy them.
For Halloween I’m putting on a fishnet body stocking and going as a bag of onions.
[on a test drive]
Me: Haha the heated seat feels like I peed my pants!
Dealer: This car doesn’t have heated seats.
Me: Does it have napkins?
ANNOYING SHIT THAT’S HAPPENING:
Fourth grader’s constant use of the phrase, “I know from experience…”.
If I was a ghost, pottery wouldn’t be the first thing I do.
Three more pension cheques and I’ll have my student loan paid off.
Why call it a staple remover and not an upper left corner of the page mangler?
If you ever feel unattractive, just remember that you look like your ancestors, and Hey, All of them got laid.
Screamed in horror as I woke to find two severed horse heads in my bed, but then laughed remembering I hadn’t removed the one from yesterday
Me: “Keep your friends close, and your enemies closer.”
Friends: “No thanks.”
Enemies: “Also no thanks.”
I wish I were better at subtweets cause I have some really passive aggressive things I’ld like to say to a couple of you
If my memory gets any worse I’ll be able to plan my own surprise party
Dating: OMG, his fingers just brushed against mine and I instantly have butterflies in my stomach.
Married: I swear, if even your stupid finger crosses onto my side of the bed at any point tonight, I’m going to break it.
Adults should not be twins. Being twins is for children.
Her: You secretly think you’re the most clever one in the room, don’t you.
Me: Secretly? No.
Aw yeah! Who has two thumbs and is having sex today? That’s right. Somebody else.
He just like my cat fr