When they say “we are in an oversell situation and we’re offering $200 for passengers with flexible travel plans” I am absolutely the person who stands up and says “legally they have to give you 400% your ticket price. Don’t take less than $1300!! Everyone HOLD”.
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Actually, I’d rather you shut your talk-hole, not your pie-hole. If you have a hole that gives pie, I’m going in there, because HELLO PIE.
I’ve been doing comedy for 12 years and I gotta say to this day the hardest I’ve ever been roasted is when a 12 year old on NBA2K said “yo, where’d you get your mic, Radio Shack?”
I never made it as a firefighter. I thought arsonists were people who hated arson, so every time we met one I thanked him for his support
[Honest banana advertisement]
Bananas: You’re gonna buy too many
My husband hates his new job as my IT guy.
I tried to explain Twitter to my Mom and she said, “Sounds like group therapy where no one ever gets better”.
When people ask, “Don’t I know you from somewhere?”, I reply “Yes, we were best friends as children until you murdered my puppy.”
*raises hand* is it bc of the gravity
I’m starting a Kickstarter to bring a lion from Africa and let it loose in a dentist’s office.
me: are u 2 girls from England
them: Wales u idiot
me: sorry are u 2 whales from England
If there’s one think I’ve learned from twitter it’s to never be near an American and a wood chipper
Is Fergie totally done spelling stuff? Because “mischievous” sometimes stumps me and I’d appreciate a song about it.
So what I ate my salad with a spoon, lf you give me a second date and i’ll show you how I tackle soup
I genuinely don’t remember making you all this stupid.
Me: OMG! Everyone is dead!
Instructor: For the last time, you are late and it’s a yoga class.
if you’ve ever wanted to know what a violent mugging feels like, i’d highly recommend inviting my friends & their 2 toddlers over for dinner one night.
If a gym has 75 treadmills, 1 is being used, what do you do?
You go home because it’s your favorite one being used
Math is easy
an hour into The Sound of Music “yes. this is what music sounds like.”
new york is like a toxic boyfriend, all winter you’re like why does he treat me this way and then spring hits and you’re like wow he loves me so so much
It seems like every time I consider arson, the price of gas goes up.
Wife: Well, they say a mirror adds ten pounds.
Me: That’s a cam-
Wife: …
Me: Yes. Yes they do.
“And you sarge, got anyone special back home?”
“An Internet commentor. Wants me to provide facts against his point. Said he’d wait for me.”
[1983]
FRIEND: Let’s play monsters! I’ll be a werewolf, and you lock me in the closet because it’s a full moon. Don’t let me out!
ME: Hahaha, cool!
[just now]
ME: OH SHIT BILLY
Rich people in movies apparently can’t drink scotch without telling everyone how old it is.
Cave rescue is going to make an incredible movie, can’t wait to see Scarlett Johansson inspire in her role as 12 Thai boys.
I hate it when people don’t know the difference between “You’re” and “Your”
There stupid…
me: I quit, here’s my badge and gun
head lifeguard: your what
Me, after 17 asked what I did today, “I paid bills, went to bank, & work. Met w/3 clients. Did an uncontested divorce, a contested div, discovery packet, and a proposed order. I sent 28 emails. I bought groceries, cleaned the house and made dinner.”
17, “Have u seen my adderal?”
JUDGE: That THING cannot enter
ME: But Inky is my pet
OCTOPUS IN AN ASTRONAUT’S HELMET FILLED WITH WATER:*squirts ink at him*
INKY NOOOOo
Public restrooms are weird. The guy in the stall next to me has four feet and is wearing heels on one pair.