I hate it when people don’t know the difference between “You’re” and “Your”
There stupid…
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Once I was napping & 5yo daughter
dropped her Barbie Car on my face,
she explained it tho, she said
“sorry dad, I thought you were asleep”.
My mom has more confidence in the people of Oak Island finding the treasure than me finding another husband
My last relationship was so bad, it featured Pitbull.
Autocorrect is like that idiot friend who tries to cover up your mistakes with worse ones.
God: I made something new. It’s like a tornado, but smaller.
Angel: What do you call it?
God: A toddler.
What happens in the microwave, stays in the microwave.
Cellphones have two brightness settings: “dim” and “the messiah is back”
*maintains eye contact while slowly putting in ear buds as you’re talking to me*
[first day working at Viagra]
BOSS: We need a new slogan.
ME: *sweating* This is really hard.
BOSS: You’re a goddamn genius, Johnson.
They call me The Cat because of my hunting skills, my lightning fast reflexes, and because I run into the basement when I see the vacuum cleaner.
Call centre operator: “Sorry for the delay, bear with me … ”
Me: “Put the bear on, he probably knows more.”
You look like somebody ran an uncooked pizza through a washing machine
7-year-old: *telling me the rules of a game she made up* The goalies get swords.
Me: I am so in.
Me: *excited* I bought a bunch of Christmas carbs just like you said!
My boss: You mean Christmas cards?
Me with doughnut glaze all over my face: what
My boss: what
“I can’t lie to you”
You suck at lying, don’t blame that shit on me
“Always leave her wanting more” doesn’t mean eat the last of the nachos, jerk.
I guess a good thing that would happen to me if the zombie apocalypse ever occurred is that I’d finally start running
I wish there were glasses to protect me from all your blurry eclipse pics.
[bar]
HER: wanna get outta here? *winks*
ME: hell ya
HER: whatya thinkin?
ME: lets go to my place and arm wrestle
HER: what?
ME: u scared?
Remember during the pandemic when we all put aside our differences, realized we were united under one common goal and, together, made the world’s most delicious cheeseburger?
Comic 🥺👉👈💗❤️🔥
[he picks me up on 1st date]
Him: What do you have there?
Me: [struggling, crawling to his car because my backpack is weighing me down] Ham.
I was planning to take a flu shot until I found out it isn’t a kind of drink.
“Money doesn’t grow on trees” is something rich people say so you won’t find their money trees.
ME: *falls off the wagon*
THE REST OF MY CARAVAN ON THE OREGON TRAIL: Phew. Finally.
When someone comments that you look like you don’t have an evil bone in your body, it’s always good to have your xrays on hand to prove them wrong.
i like the idea of hauntings being a common yet minor inconvenience
My favorite farside!!
Some mistakes you only make once, like sniffing your kids’ clothes to see if they’re dirty or clean