What happens in the microwave, stays in the microwave.
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SORRY MISTER, BUT MOM SAYS I CAN’T GET IN YOUR VAN UNLESS THE CANDY’S SUGAR-FREE.
Stealing endorsements is not how you become the president of the United States, homie. Leave my name out ya mouth…
My husband said he wants me to stop drinking and still be in a good mood. So I told him to stop putting gas in the car and still drive.
“Nutella causes cancer” says one scientist with his mouth covered in chocolate. “Send your jars to me and I will dispose of them.”
Me: Was the island real or were they dead the whole time?
Sony tech support: We can’t answer that kind of TV question, sir.
me, recommending a book: this book DESTROYED ME. this book RIPPED MY VERY BEING APART. i read the end sobbing in a fetal position on the floor and i didn’t move for three hours. please read it HIGHLY RECOMMEND IT
[in deep space]
Everyone: [in hypersleep]
Me: [wakes up every few hours to pee]
She posted me to the group chat and they said I’m handsome
[party]
What exactly does BYOB mean?“Bring your own beer”
Bill Nye the Science Guy slowly slides the bacteria sample back in his lab coat
*FINALLY gets truck washed*
*immediately judges people’s dirty vehicles*
A loaf of bread where the first three slices are just previews of the blockbuster bread products coming out next summer.
Hey i am sexy to you now
ME: baby, I want to turn eucalyptYOU & eucalyptME into eucalyptUS
HER: you don’t flirt much, do you?
ME: I do not
Barbie gave me unrealistic body standards like that my head would fall off.
*first time in a long time at the dentist*
Dentist: don’t worry this isn’t going to be as bad as you think.
Me:
Dentists: whoops never mind we have to take out all your teeth.
Oh panic attacks,I thought you said pancake attacks because I have those all the time.
Back in my day the only time we started panic buying is when the bartender yelled out “last orders” and rang that little bell……
You can buy wedding cake even if there’s no wedding, those suckers don’t even check
Pie is superior to cake. Nobody makes a cake chart.
Hell hath no fury like a 4 year old whose sandwich has been cut into squares when he wanted triangles.
Sure you may FEEL old, but did YOUR parents need a TV commercial to remind them you existed?
People use the term lab rat pejoratively even though there is probably no finer life than one dedicated to solving puzzles and eating cheeses.
[Job Interview]
HR : What do you consider your biggest weakness?
Me : (pulls out machete) *whispers under my breath “I can’t forgive people”
hitler’s mom: WHY DO ALL THESE TIME TRAVELERS KEEP TRYING TO KILL MY BABY???
Terrifying if taken literally – if these walls could talk.
After a long day of tweeting I like to relax with a hot cup of wtf am I doing with my life?
It’s taking my husband like way longer to leave me for a younger woman than movies and tv led me to believe it would and honestly I’m pretty annoyed
*starts GoFundMe campaign to buy a soft drink at the movies*
I miss when the most stressful thing about my day was Gargamel.