After a long day of tweeting I like to relax with a hot cup of wtf am I doing with my life?
![]()
You Might Also Like
My neighbors are out in their backyard having an epic argument so it looks like the fireworks show is getting started a little early.
Atheists are Popeless romantics.
This has got to be the Twitter exchange of the day.
![]()
[at my intervention]
mom: some of us feel uncomfortable with your pinned tweet
The orcas took down that F-35 fighter jet.
Rome wasn’t built in a day but it couldn’t have taken as long as the too slow car wash.
“Where you going, we’re in the middle of a conversation.”
OMG! This is just the middle.
Annnnnd that’s how the fight started.
my husband, who did not grow up with dogs, just came to me very worried because the dog is not eating her food, but is begging for his, so “something must be wrong with her food, she’s clearly hungry but only wants mine”
Guys, I need a good recipe that will make my guests never come visit again.
Friday night party time 🥳
![]()
Things that won’t save you:
– Love
– Art
– Books
– Philosophy
– PoetryThings that will:
– Watching a seagull pretend like they’re innocently walking past someone at the beach but at the last second they steal their sandwich and fly away and the person chases after them yelling.
Throwback to this Gorilla in a pool dancing to Maniac.
Searched my teens room for drugs, was told “you don’t give me enough money for drugs.” I don’t know whether to be proud or up his allowance.
My first child will be named New Folder.
A drinking game where you do a shot every time you are prompted to update Adobe
JOB INTERVIEWER: Talk about a time when a big project of yours didn’t work out as you hoped
ME: Well I got two English degrees
I just paid $37 for some homemade vanilla tapioca pudding on the Dark Web.
Sure, my bologna has a first name, but he’s a stickler for manners so he insists we still call him Mr. Bologna.
Every television should come with the volume setting, “Eating Chips”.
Let me sing you the song of my people
*moves and 97 joints pop*
They say people with pets live longer. Many assume it’s all the love and affection. I think it’s all the bending down to pick stuff up.
That awkward moment you run into someone in public that you know, and there is nowhere to hide.
Although we’ve been together for 30+ years, my wife discovered only yesterday that I actually do quite a passable Charles impersonation.
It’s completely revolutionised our lovemaking, I tell you.
What smells better than it tastes?
A nose.
*Brings Ouija board to Thanksgiving
Ouija: G O B B L E
My wife wouldn’t let me sling shot candy at trick or treaters tonight.
This is bullshit.
He tripped, and the laundry basket fell to floor, spilling clothes everywhere.
I sat back and watched it all unfold.
“Eighty-seven percent of people think lasers are friggin’ awesome.” – Pew Pew Pew Research Center
Yep, it’s true👇🏼😂😂😂
![]()
Me: goodnight sweetheart
9: mummy!
Me: is it important
9: YES
Me: what’s up
9: do you think someone could live if they had organs and a skull but no other bones