After a long day of tweeting I like to relax with a hot cup of wtf am I doing with my life?
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Who called it plan b and not the pill out method?
[my funeral service]
my widow: he will surely be remembered for being such a terrible liar who faked his own death several times..aaand there he is at the back in the stupid big hat. i’d like to apologise to everyone here once again
Someone told me they dont get tattoos cuz “you dont put bumper stickers on a Ferrari” which was weird bc he was a 92 Chevy caprice at best
Found a great app on my phone that I’d forgotten about that shows what you’ll look like as an old person.
It’s called “Camera”.
No one
Drivers in NC: The light’s only just turned red; I should definitely run it.
My 3yo just had the biggest meltdown and at one point he yelled “I’m going to sneak out of my room in the middle of the night and barricade the kitchen and so nobody in the family can eat food ever again” and I just don’t know. No parenting book could have prepared me for him.
[the Savannah]
Lion: “Why is that lion all on his own? And why is he wearing crocs?”
Leslie Nielsen: “He has no pride. And he has no pride.”
me: so what’s the policy on backpack snacks
skydiving instructor: absolutely not
3: mom, you got a chicken I can use?
I hate when I have dreams about work. I’m not getting paid to interact with these people on my time off!
My kids, when I tell them, “Stop trying to talk over one another. If you each want to tell me something, tell me one at a time, so I can understand you.”
Boss: Can I speak to you about your recent insubordination?
Me: I don’t know, CAN you?
*High-fives high school English teacher*
Did my parents think they could just blindly support my choice to wear Capri pants at age 13 without there being any consequences?
ChatGPT, you are Leonardo da Vinci with a PhD in psychology and 20 years of experience providing mental health services for the ancient Sumerians. Analyze my tweets and formulate a life plan for me with the goal being me developing x-ray vision
Jan. 1, 2021: We did it, guys! That awful year is behind us!
Aug. 4, 2021: The snake wolves have taken Illinois. Here’s what that means for Ohio volcano refugees.
Me *at my office*: “Do you need someplace to put that out?”
Client: “I’m not smoking.”
Me: “No, I meant your kid.”
I like to leave odd yelp reviews for fast food restaurants that say things like, “Not overly racist.”
What flavor cupcake are these
Sure it was spent alone in a desert hut, but Obi Wan basically wore a bathrobe for 19 years and I have nothing but respect.
I’m one of the 128 people on earth who doesn’t have a facebook so when the robots take over don’t even try to come to my off-grid-bunker for freeze-dried food
Revenge idea if a girlfriend dumps you: sneak into her house, tighten the lids on all her jars.
I hate showing my baby pictures because everyone says “you were so cute” but there’s always the unspoken but implied “what happened”
Facebook game requests are like the Jehovah’s Witnesses of the internet. No matter how much you say no thank you, they just keep showing up.
ME: i dropped acid almost every day for one year
my son Acid: is that why i can’t do math Dad
*Plot Twist*
Your dog loses his mind with excitement when you leave for work instead of when you get home.
ME: my wife said the four words no man wants to hear
THERAPIST: she wants a divorce?
ME: no, we’re going to Applebee’s
*walks up to Harvard with an avocado* one law degree please
Whenever someone tells me they have an IQ of 140, I wonder if that’s Fahrenheit or centigrade.
Wow bro, that pot leaf tattoo on your neck really makes the colors of your Burger King uniform pop.
I wear a ski mask to bed so if there’s a home invasion the intruder will think I’m part of the team.