Rome wasn’t built in a day but it couldn’t have taken as long as the too slow car wash.
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When 8 wakes up in the middle of the night and comes looking for me, he’ll curl up next to me and sweetly say “mom, I found you!”. It’s difficult to be upset with him for waking me up.
Difficult, not impossible
[in ambulance]
“Can you describe the snake that bit you?”
Yes it was like an angry rope
Asking a woman to choose her favourite Disney movie is like asking her to choose her favourite child. My mum always choose Aristocats and my middle sister.
My hometown ranked 4th for the worst cities for hot dog lovers. I don’t know how I’m supposed to feel about that.
Me: bathe me in the dust of those I have devoured
Friend: are you talking to your Cheetos
I’m lost at Costco but everyone here looks like my dad. Just gonna pick the one with the best groceries and start a new life I guess.
I’ll take a Friday the 13th over a Monday the 13th every single time.
The Eighth Law of Libraries: the likelihood of an item being on the shelf where it belongs is inversely proportional to the physical distance the patron traveled to come get it without calling ahead first.
Asked my wife if I was going to get a “tip” for driving her around today.
She laughed and laughed.
Apparently so hard, she got a headache.
It’s important to teach your children math so they can better understand what episode of Star Wars they are watching.
if you encounter a bear in the woods, make your self as big as possible. Talk about how much money you make and how hot your girlfriend is.
To the teenager that flipped me off for honking at you. Your phone is on top of your car.
Friend: How long will it take you to recover from surgery?
Me: That depends on how long my husband is willing to cook, clean, and do the laundry.
I was uninvited to “drop it” because we couldn’t hear Yoncé over my Rice Krispie knees.
You kids today with your on demand music don’t know the euphoria of hearing your jam come on the radio without the DJ talking over it.
me: stop calling me names!
bully: shut up names
today a customer had to wait for blonde roast and he’d had to wait yesterday too and i was like “so sorry this is happening again” and he turned his phone to me and i was like oh no he’s on the phone with head office but he was showing me a video of a rat taking a shower
I’m not saying I drank a lot over the holidays, but my liver just went to an AA meeting without me.
Age 8: “Being a werewolf would be fun!”
Age 18: “Being a werewolf would solve all my problems.”
Age 28: “Being a werewolf is an escapist power fantasy for emotionally stunted children.”
Age 38: “Being a werewolf would be fun AND it would solve all my problems!”
My favorite part of my husband working from home is that our 6YO critiques all his conference calls.
“I think you should say ‘don’t get me wrong’ instead of ‘let me be clear’ next time daddy, it just sounds better.”
Parents be like “why aren’t you eating, don’t you like my food?” and after you eat a ton, they’ll say “you look a little chubby, maybe you should eat less.”
Chivalry isn’t dead. He’s just sleeping. Right, chivalry? CHIVALRY!?
Damn he played himself
Right now, I need a Transformer that can turn into a blender that’s not broken.
[invents time machine and goes back to the dinosaurs]
“in a few years its gonna be really cold”
*hands them mixtape*
“you’re gone need this”
Boss: *gives us company jerseys as a perk*
Me: Master has presented Dobby with clothes.
[first day in prison]
Cellmate: that’s Flesh Eater Mike
Me: why do they call him that?
Cellmate, quietly as Flesh Eater Mike walks by with blood dripping down his chin: it’s short for Michael
There’s a bald spot in my yard so I’m gonna let the grass around it grow really long and then do a comb-over.
Is there anything less intimidating than a cop on a bicycle?
Wobble on, agent of justice, wobble on.
[wife explaining to me how deaths in movies work]
So the actors really don’t die?
“No”
So is Abraham Lincoln really not dead?
*she sighs*