Right now, I need a Transformer that can turn into a blender that’s not broken.
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Bad Tweet? Just add Tequila!
Bad sex? Just add Tequila!
Bad day? Just add Tequila!
Bad driving? Just add Tequila… Wait, no. Maybe no.
Who taught this was a good idea? The backbreaker.
I’m at my most Liam Neeson when my food is missing from the employee fridge.
I want to go back in time and find pre-kid me who thinks she is “so busy” and “so tired.” And I want to smack her.
Brands during Pride
Me: A storm is coming
My wife: Do you have to say that every time our kids wake up?
SOCRATES: [dying] Plato, my dear pupil, I’ve always wanted to tell you something.
PLATO: Yes, my teacher.
SOCRATES: I often made sweet sweet love to your mom. Now please take good care of my documents.
…
PLATO: [Socrates’s funeral] Too bad he left us no writing.
My house isn’t messy.
It’s ‘Picasso-ish’.
[x-ray]
DOCTOR: wow
ME: what
DOCTOR: I don’t know, there’s a bunch of-
ME: *eating a handful of pennies* a bunch of what
I asked my son what kind of cake he wanted for his birthday…
“A burger cake with ketchup frosting!!”
Meatloaf. He wants meatloaf…
Ads for 2020 would be like, have you ever wondered how it would feel if an entire lifetime was packed into one year? Now you can!
This cheap wine tastes like a fine full bodied Capri Sun
the weirdest thing that happened to me this month was when i got sent a counterfeit pizza hut coupon
It puts the lotion in the basket. Then it calls the wife to make sure it’s the right brand so it doesn’t get the hose again.
I’m fearfully awaiting the day my alarm clock becomes self-aware and the snooze button hits me back.
1. Say “Eye” 2. Spell the word “Map” 3. Say “Ness”
someone on this conference call just said “the ball’s in our court so we’ll touch base internally and then follow up to get on the same page” and for a moment i seriously thought i was listening to a parody of a meeting
It’s just a bunch of grown men too stubborn to ask for directions, so they are driving around in circles.
~Me explaining NASCAR to my daughter
I don’t understand people who “get ready for bed”.
I’m always ready for bed.
“If all your friends jumped”
‘Yes’
“But if they”
‘Yes’
“But”
‘IF I EVER GET FRIENDS I’M GOING TO DO WHATEVER THEY WANT ME TO, OK MOM?
Rose petals are expensive.
Just throw Doritos all over the bed.
I picked the wrong week to start my high altitude balloon tours
“You’ve got a friend in me.”
– Cannibals, probably
The difference between pizza and love is that when the pizza ends it doesn’t send you subtweets.
me: I hate when the bank is crowded like this
[outside]
getaway driver: is he in line
I wear the same 2 Halloween costumes every year. I start off as a “ghost” and end up as a “drunk ghost that needs a ride home.”
You say no portion control, I say treating every meal like it’s your last
Nobody:
Dog: OMG HE LOOKED IN THE GENERAL DIRECTION OF MY LEASH WE’RE GOING FOR A WALK I’M READY C’MON LET’S GO NOW PUT YOUR SHOES ON NOW HERE LET ME HELP I HAVE YOUR SOCK OK LET’S GO WALK!!!
I’ve not been into the office since March, but I can still smell the boiled eggs my coworker ate at lunch on that last day.
“Is that a serial killer downstairs or just my pet?”
– the fun game that all cat owners get to play at 3am