Me: Anything you can do I can do better, I CAN DO ANYTHING BETTER THAN YOU!
Mom: Why are you yelling at the dog?
My house isn’t messy.
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I went for a run but came back after 4 minutes because I forgot something. I forgot I’m out of shape and can’t run for more than 4 minutes!
I made a huge to do list for today. I just can’t figure out who’s going to do it.
I had beer at lunchtime and now I think I might be sitting in the wrong office
*Becomes a black hole*
*Only absorbs corndogs*
“You think I’m smart, right?”
Not tonight baby, I’m too tired to fight.
Annnd that’s how the fight started.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because you got picked on in high school?
Cop: *sniffles* Shut up.
If my funeral is open casket my only request is that I have cucumber slices over my eyes.
Do regular dogs see poilce dogs and think “oh shit it’s the cops let’s run.”
My existential crisis began when I realized there is no “I” in “me.”