My house isn’t messy.
It’s ‘Picasso-ish’.

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Me: Anything you can do I can do better, I CAN DO ANYTHING BETTER THAN YOU!

Mom: Why are you yelling at the dog?


I went for a run but came back after 4 minutes because I forgot something. I forgot I’m out of shape and can’t run for more than 4 minutes!


I made a huge to do list for today. I just can’t figure out who’s going to do it.


I had beer at lunchtime and now I think I might be sitting in the wrong office


“You think I’m smart, right?”

Not tonight baby, I’m too tired to fight.

Annnd that’s how the fight started.


Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because you got picked on in high school?
Cop: *sniffles* Shut up.


If my funeral is open casket my only request is that I have cucumber slices over my eyes.


Do regular dogs see poilce dogs and think “oh shit it’s the cops let’s run.”


My existential crisis began when I realized there is no “I” in “me.”