My house isn’t messy.
It’s ‘Picasso-ish’.
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Two squirrels in the park were going at it on a tree trunk. And there wasn’t any sensitive content warning.
[after solid first date]
Ok play it cool, don’t wanna seem too eager..*texts her 47 years later*
“Had a great time the other night :)”
[First date]
Ok, don’t let her know you’re a pharmacistHer: Can you pass the salt?
“Sure, it’ll be ready in two hours.”
The government has officially replaced all measurements of time with fruit. More news at banana.
My daughter has a terrible mouth and I don’t know where the f*** she’s learning this sh**.
surely THIS is the salad that will undo months of fast food and alcohol
Startup idea: a gym named Resolution that runs for the 1st month of the year, collects subscription fee, then converts to a bar named Regret
Ryan Reynolds is my cousin
~ me flirting
~ also me lying
Taxidermist’s Wife: Whatcha thinkin’ about?
Taxidermist: Stuff.
CBS: “Tom Petty is dead.”
Tom Petty: “Don’t do me like that.”
Me: *mouth full* When pizza’s on a bagel, you can eat pizza anytime.
Widow: I still think you could have waited until after the service.
Science Fact: If you see it later, it was an alligator. If you see it after a while, it was a crocodile.
My mom has a rule that we do nothing on Christmas that Jesus didn’t do. Apparently, Jesus drank a pitcher of martinis & hit on the caterer..
*Guy tries giving me his phone number*
Me: Oh no thank you. I already have one
totally non-alarming text to receive from child’s school
You can keep your damn ferrets
And your dumb fancy rats
He’s got no time for goldfish
And far less for cats
Snakes are for weirdos
As are lizards and frogs
For him there’s only one choice
Mum: Oh I’ve always wanted to try one of these , *leans in* Alexa, what’s your name?
Me:
Budget: She really knows how to stretch me to the limit.
Spanx: Dude, look who you’re talking to.
How dare you incinerate that I don’t know big words.
I was challenged to fisticuffs in the carpark once, other chap led the way, I followed until we came to a corridor which led back to the bar, I took it, he carried on oblivious, never seen him again, bouncer wouldn’t let him back in – God bless him.
Jennifer Aniston is always cast in the same role because she’s a victim of Rachel profiling.
Guys, have you ever become so fed up trying to undo a bra that you wished you hadn’t put one on in the first place?
It appears that late last night someone broke into the house and ate all the ice cream in the freezer. I’ve volunteered to lead the investigation but I doubt we’ll ever find the guy who did it
My Kid: (seeing Wife with a plate of fries) Mommy, can I have some of your fries?
Wife: No. (Points at me who is also having fries) Go ask Daddy
My Kid: Daddy, can I have some of Mommy’s fries
My Brain: Don’t high five your kid right now. Don’t high five your kid right now…
If you can’t handle me at my worst, then you have extremely good judgement.
One good thing about astrology, I can tweet something mean about astrology and astrology Twitter is cool with it. Like I can say, “Cut it out, astrology, you’re embarrassing the planets,” and it gets retweeted 10,000 times, and astrology Twitter is just like: “Are you a Scorpio?”
Yoda: *dies and fades away*
Luke: Thank God. I was so sick of his backward talking.
Ghost Yoda: Heard that, I did.
Never ‘boop’ a police officer on the nose when he pulls you over for speeding; I know this now.
The first 600 years or so of heaven is just harp lessons
If you hold a warm baked potato it feels like you’re holding someone’s hand without having to touch anyone.