CBS: “Tom Petty is dead.”
Tom Petty: “Don’t do me like that.”
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Today I bought new wipers at Canadian Tire, walked out to the parking lot and replaced them, threw the old ones in the trash can by the main doors, walked back to my car, only to realize I replaced the wipers on the wrong car.
[enters elevator]
Me: *audible toot*
Them:
Me: I am not here to make friends.
I always ask for a receipt so I can keep them in my purse for 86 years.
“Poor” is an odd word because when you put it in front of “people” it’s sad but when you put it in front of “bladder control” it’s hilarious
My toddler pushed one of their animal toys in my face and said “RROOOOOAAARRR!!!”
It was a penguin.
Sometimes I see people posting astrology memes and go: “Is that what you think you’re like???”
Thanks to Fitbit, all my anxious pacing can be passed off as exercise.
Pro tip:
If you really want to make an impact, always have a mouth full of saliva before you “shhh” someone.
Womens clothing designers: would you like it skin tight?
Me: uh no
WCD: how about moomoo?
Me: can I have something in between?
WCD: no can do
Me: one taco without strawberries
Taco Bell guy: strawberries?
Me: no thank you
*Whispers, spitters are for quitters.
~Wine tasting, you pervs!
They say you become what you hate and so I am terrified I’m going to become a young, vibrant beautiful man who’s loathful life is full of undeserved luck and success.
Just found out this city has an indoor trampoline place and I just figured out where my next medical bill is coming from
this is the greatest thing ever
*As the Titanic sinks*
Bandleader: Next, we’d like to play something off our new album
Guy clinging to railing: BOOOOOOO
Chairperson: So Dave is calling this season ‘fall’ because the leaves fall off the trees. Have we a name for the next one?
Dave: Death!
Chair: Ok Dave, calm down. Anybody else? Anybody.
So the six-year-old has permanently moved in to her new place, under the kitchen table.
[terrible nursing home]
Old guy: How did you end up here?
Elderly me: I made my kids steak instead of hot dogs.
Him: *gasps* You monster.
Eminem walks into a bar.
Bartender: You only get one shot.
Sorry I said your mom’s beef stroganoff was stroganawful.
[Throwing change in a well]
Me: I wish you well.
Well: I already am a well.
no actually it’s called an “african-american” eye, bud. and i got it cause someone beat the crap out of me for being too politically correct
I can still fit into the locker I was shoved into in high school.
When God invented snakes he was like do you want legs or do you want to look like a scary belt, too late scary belt
Can Jesus turn off his walking on water power, or when he dives into a swimming pool would he just bounce across the surface like a skipping stone?
Today’s religious debate is brought to you by…
My boyfriend told me that his new years resolution was to try anal. He’s going to be so suprised when he sees the strap on i just bought.
[Verizon]
SALESMAN: Can I interest you in our friends and family plan?
BATMAN: [just starts crying]
when its election nite and you get wasabi in your eye
date: so what do you do?
me: *doing a huge amount of karate* adderall
Ultimately, I’m not sure what marriage signifies, if anything. Legally I guess it means something, for wills or whatever. But “spiritually?” It’s just some words, a ritual, no more or less sacred than a high five after a touchdown. But I digress. You may now kiss the bride.