So the six-year-old has permanently moved in to her new place, under the kitchen table.
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Me: this doesn’t seem right
Dentist: u know on tv when they say 9/10 dentists
M: yeah
D: im the one
*he resumes hitting my teeth w/ a comb*
The “Skip Ad” countdown on Youtube is more exciting than an Apollo launch.
my dad: [rising up from behind couch]
the new ppl that live in that house now: wtf
My boys are gamers and I’m single
It’s like a race to see who can use the most batteries
A table tale✨
#TheRingsOfPower
Oh, you lost your phone and it’s on silent? That’s too bad. If you liked it then you should’ve put a ring on it.
Given the amount of clowns around here you’d think it would be more entertaining
me, sober: ugh, i’m never leaving my house again, people are trash.
me, after 3 beers: *on a megaphone* ATTENTION EVERYONE IN MY NEIGHBORHOOD I WOULD LIKE TO PAY YOUR ELECTRICITY BILL THIS MONTH
contractor: [looking at a water leak in my office] ok so it’s just a simple fix. you could do it yourself if you wanted to
me: yea i don’t
Whenever I lose my mind, I always look
for it in the refrigerator first
When I practice my saxophone I have to put the cat in the window, so my neighbours know I’m not kicking it around the living room.
Every history textbook chapter should start with “everyone was just minding their own business, and THEN”
Took my twins to their swim class and the coach showed them how to float on their backs then asked if they had any questions. My boy twin asked if there was any cake and I think it was a fair question
Keanu Reeves stuck motionless on a horse forever because every time it starts to move he goes “whoa”.
Ask a man if he’s critiquing your work…
Men Who Are Dating say: No, & compliment you.
Single Men say: Yes
Married Men: Try to hide
Troll: Horrible thing.
Me: Horrible thing back.
Troll: I was just giving my honest opinion.
Me: Me too.
Troll: But…
[being murdered]
Me: omg barry? from high school?
Barry: no way {stab} dave?
Me: this isn’t cuz of some high school thing is it?
Barry: oh nonono {stabstabstab} you were great. {stab} this is just a thing i do now
Me: k good {still being stabbed} you had me worried for a sec
[I open my lunchbox to find pair of wife’s underwear]
But that means…
[Cut to my wife opening her lunchbox to find a pair of my underwear]
Me: so I’ve been a little unclear regarding everything you’ve asked me to do since Monday
Boss: Jesus
Me: let me finish. In February. 2011.
Note for people married to fanatical hikers: when they say “let’s get out and walk a little,” your idea of a little might be to that ice cream stand over there and theirs might be 5 miles.
Ladies, how often do you exfoliate? I do weekly then a soothing serum and now that the boys aren’t reading anymore, are we still doing that thing where we say no holiday gifts, then act disappointed. lol I can’t stop laughing ok be cool be cool. And finish up with a night cream
If you wash cheese with antibacterial soap, it turns back into milk.
Inspirational Quote Of The Day..
I want to become a librarian so bad. I love books but I love telling people to shut up even more.
If you get banned off Twitter now, you get X-communicated
aaaaand send
Why are we all Facebook friends with an English teacher we had in high school
If there’s a red flag followed by several more flags, all in different bright colors, you got yourself a clown.
If you’ve ever wanted to take a tiny bag of poop on a tour of your neighbourhood, owning a dog might be right for you
It costs over $235,000 for parents to raise a child today. And that’s just for the alcohol.
“Avoid drinking alcohol while taking this medication.”
So, how hard should I go on this “avoid” thing?