Every history textbook chapter should start with “everyone was just minding their own business, and THEN”
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I had no intention of viewing your webinar until you used “and more” as a bullet point in your email and seduced me with the allure of intrigue and mystery
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[Justice League HQ]
SUPERMAN: Looks like Batman is hungry tonight
MOTHMAN: [visibly sweating] I think I’ll just fight daytime crimes
*rushing into work*
sorry i’m late. one of my apostles betrayed me last night
Strangely, this bacon candle doesn’t even taste like bacon.
Halloween is great bc kids just show up at your door and hold out bags of candy for you to steal
haha, we all make mistakes. for example, i ate some oysters that i found in the hotel hallway & now i can see my ancestors
*Looks around nervously* The steam from my pasta is ungluing my chest hair toupee and the other mafia bosses are taking notice.
Mah Dearest Emma,
War on Christmas is hell. This morn, I saw 7 elves stabbed with 1 menorah. I fear this nog soaked yuletide may nevah end.
“So kids, I was married to your mom & I met this girl on Twitter, we started DMing and one thing led to another”
-How I Met Your Stepmother
What’s the longest you’ve walked around looking for your raccoon when it was on your head the whole time.
My personal best is 16 hours.
Most women need a little reassurance.
Like when she says “oh, you want to see crazy?” Reassure her that you do not.
I’ll bet Timmy would never have fallen down that well if his parents would’ve coughed up the money for a HUMAN instead of a dog babysitter.
My girlfriend is mad at lettuce, how’s your day going?
wife: I’m having a baby.
me: *handing menu back to waiter* I’ll have a baby as well.
Having a kid means knowing when she asks to watch Mr. Handsome, she means The Little Mermaid.
when i’m stressed i close my eyes and imagine i’m on a beach, neurotically pacing back & forth within a very small section of that beach
It’s so dumb to be on this app, why do I have a diary where people can yell at me
Wife: Valentine’s day is right around the corner.
Me: No worries, so is Wal-Mart.
The string of expletives that just left my mouth was so long, I clotheslined a cyclist two towns over.
Don’t ask me for advice…I advocate breakups and crime.
My kids will insist on wearing the same grungy PJs for 6 days in a row, but they’ll put a t-shirt in the dirty hamper just because it fell off the hanger
*accidentally grabs a fork from the silverware drawer instead of a spoon but I’m too lazy to go back so it takes me 47 min. to eat my soup*
No thanks, social drama. Puberty sucked enough the first time around.
The best part of being a girl is not having to open doors. If I approach a door and a guy isn’t there I just take a nap til one shows up.
“Let’s make it very difficult to open while people are bleeding.”
– inventor of the Band-Aid
[inventing the grinch] santa needs a wario
Wearing ‘EarPods’ is my favorite way of making the rest of the world believe my verbal outbursts are part of a heated phone conversation.
MEN:
Developed Theory of Relatively.
Walked on the Moon.
Painted the Mona Lisa.Baffled by bra hooks.
sibling culture is not talking to each other for awhile and then texting them “this is you” along with a picture of an ugly bird you found online