Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I walked into a gas station & a woman handed me a free slice of pizza

Either Iowa is the nicest state in America or I’ve just been poisoned

doctor: i have your blood test here

me: and?

doctor: you failed

This day in history. 2001. Holland legalized assisted suicide for those with terminal illnesses or “It’s a Small World” stuck in their head.

[throwing a party]
I invited Judas. That okay?
“Judas from IT, or the guy who betrayed Jesu-”
*loud knock*
“It’s the Roman legion. Open up!”

Ask your doctor if your dominant hand is right for you

Me *Screams at mountain*: I LOVE YOU!

Mountain *echoes back*: I have a boyfriend…. oyfriend…end…nd

Taurus: People will call you a trend setter this week when you’re bitten by a new species of snake.

There’s this guy at work who’s always putting on a sweatshirt. No one’s ever seen his face.

Having to ask the hairdresser to give you a cut that will persuade your phone’s facial recognition software that it’s still you is very 2020.

me: I got a cookie just for donating blood

friend: *woozily waking up* whose blood

The Joker furiously scrolling through Batman’s old tweets for anything problematic

I start conversations with my children by saying “Listen to me,” to ensure they stop paying attention from the beginning.

A dumpster is a sacred place. I am a bear.

I don’t use commas in my tweets I am a rebel without a pause

me: hey everyone, this is steve. he’s danish

steve: hi

dan: *eyes narrowing* he’s nothing like me

Him: I’m sorry, can we start over?

Me: great idea! You introduce yourself, and this time I’ll keep walking.

Hey Mexican food restaurant waiter, if the basket is empty you don’t have to ask. YES I WANT MORE CHIPS!

[Waiting at the dentist]

*leans over to stranger*

I’ll clean your teeth for half price.

“It’s possible to touch birds!” I say suddenly. My coworkers stare at me. I wander outside to touch some birds.

Doctor: I’m afraid you have high blood pressure. I suggest cutting back on your sodium intake.

Me [sipping ramen broth out of a Starbucks cup]: Okay, explain to me what sodium is again.

Diet tip:
Your pants will not get too tight if you do not wear any.

Nobody in this grocery store thinks I’m a good bowler. Also, clean up in aisle four.

ME: “I’m thankful for my skeleton because if I didn’t have my skeleton, I would look like a blobfish.”

THERAPIST: “Okay, I suppose that counts as the one thing you like about yourself, this week.”

Charlie Sheen’s herpes have herpes and those herpes have gonorrhea and that gonorrhea had an abortion in high school.

Don’t look at me like that, daycare lady. Yes, my 3-year-old is wearing shorts and two sweaters. When I’m late, I negotiate with terrorists.

GOOD COP: Three robberies in the same neighborhood …do you know what I’m thinking?
PSYCHIC COP: Yes
GOOD COP: Oh right

A frisbee hit me lightly on the shin and I’m at the age where this might be a lifelong injury.

After Jaws, I wouldn’t go in water. After the Godfather, I wouldn’t eat at Italian restaurants. I wish I’d seen the Omen before having kids.

Why don’t you sing about it?

– Walt Disney as a therapist