The best part of being a girl is not having to open doors. If I approach a door and a guy isn’t there I just take a nap til one shows up.
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We need a dating app where you can just get directly to the point. Like hey, you think I’m cute? Do you wanna abandon society & go live in the mountains so we can train a small army of raccoons to shoplift for us when the apocalypse finally happens? No? Then don’t waste my time.
Make good choices because ghosts are stuck with the haircut they died with.
Bean bag chairs are venus fly traps for anyone over 35
There’s a Baseball field in Finland that has a river camera. The results are what I’d expect.
So my 5 year old’s stuffed owl and his stuffed mouse are best friends, and I don’t know how to break the news to him…
toast doesn’t talk how do you know it’s french
Massaging the shoulders of the person in front of you at the Redbox machine will usually help them make up their mind faster.
Me:
– cures cancer
– saves endangered species
– discovers Atlantis
– solves energy crisis
– finds all missing childrenMy mom:
But did you remember to send out your thank yous? Can’t you do something about blindness? Don’t forget to call your aunt Cathy…
So what do you do for a living?
“I’m in the Secret Service”
Wow, you didn’t keep that secret too well did you
God never gives you more than you can handle. But I’m not God. I’m just a bag boy. And you’ll wanna take these groceries out in the cart.
I hate when people ask if my newborn is a “good baby” and I have to tell them that he cries a lot and about how he keeps robbing banks
Daughter: Mommy, where does lightning come from?
Me: Well sweetie, when you don’t clean your room, the universe gets very very angry…
COP: where were u between 1 and 2
ME: in a diaper
COP: i mean 1 and 2 at night
ME: sleeping in my crib?? idk
Wife: Let’s spice things up in the bedroom.
Me: Hey baby, I’ll tikka your masala. Heh.
Wife: Absolutely not like that.
All I want for Christmas is an extra trash pickup day.
10% awake: monsters are real!!!
60%: do we have rats?
100%: goddamn that cat
There’s an app for the people who say they’re not seeking some form of validation here. It’s called a diary.
You be amazed how many times I’ve been wrong when people say “guess what” ?
Hey doofus, the fashion police called.
Your father died last night on duty.
He wanted you to have this.
“Slim fitting houndstooth peacoat*
“What’s the worst thing that could happen?” isn’t supposed to be a challenge.
My 9: what language does toast speak?
French toast.
My 4-year-old asked what drunk means.
I said “Happy”
Now I have to go to a meeting at her preschool because she told everyone she’s drunk.
Little kids only want to be independent when you’re running late.
Jim: What shall we name our new playground invention?
Roy: Idk. The playground business sure is a Jungle, Jim.
Jim: …Say that again.
We had 3 kids, but once TVs came w/ remotes we put them up for adoption
It’s finally mandatory for people to stay 6 feet away from me.
Before sending a tweet l always test it on my wife first. If she rolls her eyes and leaves the room, l know it has potential.
It’s a real dilemma for me when I’m confronted with a moral issue that wasn’t examined by the writers of the original Star Trek.
*cocks gun*
Me: “Go ahead.”
Horse: “Just be cool, man.”
Me: “DRINK.”
Horse: “No problem. It’s just a stupid expression.”
My sister has positioned herself as the lazy sibling and honestly I stan, no one expects anything from her. Is it too late for me to rebrand?