just remembering the time Arthur was murdered by his own father
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My 12 yr. old girl is having a sleepover tonight.
She told me, “DO NOT EMBARRASS ME!”
I’m considering twerking to Ace of Base later.
It’s amazing that a microscopic sperm colliding with a microscopic egg could create something so stupid
Before towels were invented people rubbed themselves against the carpet.
Me: I look cute today.
Camera: No.
*wakes up early on weekend
*makes 12 pancakes
*wakes kids up“Daddy, can we have waffles today???”
*eats 12 pancakes
Job interviews be like what’s your biggest weakness, ummm I don’t have a job bro
Yes the weather in Iowa is bad, but the options are worse
the most powerful ad for religion i’ve ever seen
“GUYS! GET UP! THE HOME INVASION ALARM IS GOING OFF AGAIN!”
~My dog when the doorbell rings
if you think you’re having a bad day, i just saw a guy wearing the lower half of a big bird suit walking down the side of the freeway with a gas can.
Note to self: Never choose a company name that ends in a verb.
[watching Olympic Figure Skating]
Me: HOLY CRAP!!! THAT ROUTINE WAS INCREDIBLE!!!
T.V. Announcer Johnny Weir: it’s obvious to everyone how awful that routine was
Me: oh
I’ve had mangoes that were better than entire years of my life
As I was lovingly tucking in my 5yo, I told her I loved her and she responded with, “You’ve been a great mommy….so far.”
Son: Facebook is for old people.
Me: That’s not true, pretty much everyone I know is on i- …oh…
Meeeee too!
The phrase “you two deserve each other” sounds like a compliment, but never is.
“I’d like to raise a toast.”
*Levitates bread*
My wife asked me what new hairstyle she should get, so I held my breath until I passed out.
Pretty sure my day can’t get any wors- *soup explodes in microwave*
I hear you like horror movies
You should see me first thing in the morning when I forgot to take my makeup off
*winks forever*
[job interview]
“What’s your biggest weakness?”
“My honesty”
“I don’t think-”
“I broke into ur house and made love to ur cat last night”
I just wanna borrow one of your kidneys. Just for like a sec.
A Toyota Prius tried to race me at a stop sign. I totally had it for the first 100ft, but I can only walk so fast
*listening to the neighbor’s kids screaming outside*
“I know right it’s terrifying GET INSIDE!”
[on a date]
him: I just want someone who isn’t obsessed with their phone
me: *slowly slides the 20 ft charger I was about to plug into the restaurant wall back into my purse*
Is Vanilla Ice’s son named Vanilla Extract? Cuz he should be.
You spin me right round, baby, right round…
~ my Roomba at night probably
There needs to be some universal way to say “it smelled like that when I went in there” when exiting a bathroom. I’m tired of paying for other people’s crimes.
what’s wrong babe? you haven’t touched your shrekfast yet