Note to self: Never choose a company name that ends in a verb.
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Jane: I miss England
Tarzan: Me not know you do beauty pageant
smoking a cigarette reduces your life by 11min unless you smoke it real fast then it only takes like 3 or 4
I could finish folding this laundry much faster if the cat would stop “helping”!
Welcome to middle age. “I carried a watermelon” has gone from movie quote to something you tell your orthopedist.
*me, struggling to please the members of our tea club*
“Please, everyone! Why can’t we all just get oolong?!
People who say “the future is now” don’t understand how time works.
Sure, I’m uncomfortable, but only in situations
QUIZ SHOW HOST: So, Trevor, what would you do if you won the £100,000 jackpot?
CONTESTANT: Well, my brother lives in Australia, I haven’t seen him for 15 years after we fell out, so I think I’d send him a picture of me with the money.
Bake a cake with rum and no one bats an eye… Bake brownies with laxatives and everybody loses their shit!
me: I need to borrow a math textbook
librarian: edition?
me: and subtraction if you have it
Searched my teens room for drugs, was told “you don’t give me enough money for drugs.” I don’t know whether to be proud or up his allowance.
I’ve reprogrammed my FitBit to allow for more me time. And by reprogram, I mean I’ve attached it to the leg of a deer.
I was born to run.
[Married Pillow Talk]
Husband: Tell me what you want..
Me: I want you to take our kid to soccer practice tomorrow.
Don’t forget to wash your hands and then go back to using the phone you haven’t cleaned since you got it
Any dogs trainers on this app? How do I train my dog to make margaritas?
Give a girl a fish & she’s like “are u retarded?” Teach a girl to fish & she’s all “i only invited u to my party cause our moms are friends”
Android Oreo announced today; you’ll be able to update your devices by the time the next solar eclipse comes around.
Before saying anything like “you have really soft hands for a man”, just be like so goddamned sure they’re a man.
If u drink the blue liquid from a Magic 8-Ball u can see the future trust me my friend Keith did once & said he was gonna die & then he did
I’m only dating bad texters from here on out.
Who knew life could be so quiet and….peaceful.
Why are they called “nuns” when chickmonks was sitting right there?
“Spring is in the air” I proclaim as I hurl a Slinky at your head.
Me: I took two naps today and was just falling asleep again.
Him: I can think of something to wake you up. *wraggles eyebrows*
Me: Is it food?
Why aren’t there any horror movies called “My 4 year old fell asleep in the car at 5pm”
me: can I buy you a drink
girl (who is a teacher): I don’t know, can you?
me (also a teacher): no
one time my grandma used an american express traveller’s check to buy a whole frozen horse
[Job Interview]
Interviewer: So tell me about your hobbies.
Me: Well I really enjoy minding my own goddamn business.
I’m not an agoraphobe, I’m deeply in love with my stuff
“WHY ARE YOU RIPPING OUT ALL OF YOUR FUR?!!”
-my dog, when I wax
*walks in*
Nope!
*does a 360° and walks in further*
Ah that’s why I failed geometry