Should I call tech support or pray or what
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A girl at work has the same shirt on as me, but I have a coffee stain down the front of mine, so it’s not awkward.
Turns out men don’t like being asked when their due date is either
Me: *winking while holding up an eggplant
Passport photographer: No
Everyday is talk like a pirate day if you’re committed and annoying enough
Hub: Let’s go see a movie
Me: Ok. How bout this one? *points*
H: Why do we have to see a movie with subtitles? I didn’t do anything wrong.
It costs over $235,000 for parents to raise a child today. And that’s just for the alcohol.
Her: You like shopping?
Me: Oh god yes!
Her: What’s your favorite place?
Me: The grocery store. There is a whole aisle of just cheese!
Me to alien:
I, too, try to live among people undetected
Considering “Thank You” cards are a thing, I’m going to invent “No, thank YOU!” cards and people will send them back and forth forever.
Every single time I mow my lawn my neighbor starts mowing his within ten minutes. Do I have a rival dad? Is this war?
Me to barking dog: You get away from that window. Leave the poor bunny rabbit alone.
Also me: I bought you a bunny squeak toy you can pretend to kill over and over.
Are you supposed to wear the fanny pack over the gut or underneath it? I don’t want to look like a dork.
Why did God make Trolls World Tour so hard to say?
You know you’re on drugs when you’re talking to your kids about drugs and you don’t have any kids.
*as girl walks in*
98, 99, *grunts* 100
“Wow, push-ups?”
Uhm, no? Just learning to count.
What kind of educational background do you need to have to work at the gas station that directs teens to their deaths in a horror movie?
My 12 year old’s response to solicitors calling her is to call them back and act like she’s trying to sell them whatever they were trying to sell to her
He was a real gentlemen and always opened the fridge door for me
Hospice was my favorite spice girl,
into all kinds of freaky things and took good care of my grandma
With dog videos it’s just “I love you,” but with cat videos there’s betrayal, intrigue, deception, hubris, conspiracy, infamy and occasionally “I love you.”
Did you know that if you say Bloody Mary three times into the bathroom mirror no one will bring you one? Ugh this monastery is weak af
“I was being bad last year and I STILL got presents from Santa Claus.”
-My 4yo completely embracing the Dark Side
Can’t believe people still say “pot” it’s not the 70s anymore we call it “saucepan” now
Cute guy: Can I pet your dog?
Me: (several blocks later) I have soft hair too. 🙁
[Dracula giving his son “the talk”]
Dracula: you see when two monsters love each other very much, they-
Dracula’s son: they do the mash
Dracula: *nodding* they do the monster mash
IM ALMOST POSITIVE THATS JUST A COOKIE
Oh wow, she’s so whimsical and fun. Ope, I’m wrong. She’s just plastered in the middle of the day.
when hoodie season starts don’t ask me if i’m wearing anything under because this is what imma do
Board Member: Sir are you sure you wanna name your new burger restaurant after the time you caught your ex-wife cheating on you?
Five Guys CEO: you heard me
By the time my CVS receipt finished printing I was eligible for another prescription refill.