Did you know that if you say Bloody Mary three times into the bathroom mirror no one will bring you one? Ugh this monastery is weak af
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I want to be featured on the news and the caption below me to read *unintelligible screaming*.
A handshake means something completely different to a cannibal.
There’s a state called, Ohio, but not a state called, Goodbio
[parent/teacher meeting]
“you must’ve read to him as a baby”
*leans forward in little desk* lady, I didn’t even know him when I was a baby
nice thing about dating a doctor is if you wanna stop seeing them, you can just eat an apple
Give me a break, ouija board. I don’t need to know who was killed in this house. Just tell me how the murderer got away with it.
The speed to which a toddler yells “no” in response to the question “are you ready for bed” is directly proportional to how tired they actually are.
My son is at that tender age where he believes me when I say that the dog ate the rest of the cookies out of the pantry.
Willy Wonka ran the original Squid Game.
One minute she’s saying “put yourself in my shoes” and the next it’s all “well you’ve gone and ruined them now, you idiot”
I didn’t even know my grandma had a gun until I coughed at her house.
fool me once shame on you. fool me twice shame on me. fool me a third time this is a pretty good scam can i get in on it
Phone rang. Caller ID said FUTURE US. I determined that it was me calling from the future to give myself important information. I answered and it was indeed me, but I was only trying to sell myself aluminum siding.
Me: *unfreezes cro-magnon woman I uncover on an arctic expedition*
Cro-magnon woman: “I have a boyfriend.”
“My ex was a great wife, mom & never once complained once about ass to mouth” was apparently not an acceptable speech when she remarried?
Just got rid of cable and now I can afford a mansion.
My toddler thought the moon was beautiful tonight. So beautiful that he wanted to give it a hug. Proving once again that kids are incredibly sweet.
And so so dumb.
Sorry I mostly speculated about my missing stapler in your leaving card.
My boyfriend said no girlfriend of his will use social media.
So anyway, I’ll guess I’ll miss what’s his name.
ME: *plummeting to earth* I’VE MISUNDERSTOOD THE INTENDED UTILITY OF PARACHUTE PANTS
Alfred: About your girlfriend Catwoman…
Batman: Yes, she’s a thief, but-
A: No, she pooped on the rug again. Right next to the litter box!
Can’t make an omelette without breaking into my neighbor’s chicken coop.
My mother is the strongest woman I know.
You should see how far she could throw a shoe.
[boiling pot]
dad lobster: why’s the heat on with the lid off
I saw a group of kids trying to put another kid into a dumpster. I had to step in, they couldn’t even lift him. We high-fived & laughed.
I’ve got roughly 12 hours left of summer vacation, and I’m really starting to think that my friends & I aren’t going to stumble across an alien creature stranded in the woods, or discover a secret map providing clues to buried pirate treasure. And that’s just sad.
Sorry you saw that piece of corn but I tried flushing five times and it just wouldn’t go down.
I’m pretty sure my kids see a freshly vacuumed floor as a challenge.
Me: *enters Manager’s office wearing a pheasant face mask*
Manager: *sighs* “You know full well what I meant when I said that you needed your game face on for the meeting today”
GF: Sue at the bra shop said u got some lingerie
ME: …
G: Only u didn’t give it to me
M: [nervously adjusting thong] I’m having an affair