nice thing about dating a doctor is if you wanna stop seeing them, you can just eat an apple
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I peed in the ocean yesterday and the fish are still drunk today.
Stop asking “What ELSE could go wrong?” The universe doesn’t understand that it’s a rhetorical question.
As the wounded oyster mends it shell with pearl, so shall I mend my wounded ego with my signature homemade potato salad
The average person swallows 8 spiders in their sleep but it’s actually one guy who’s chowing down like 7500 a night to make the numbers work
You learn a lot about someone when you marry them. For example , I learned I should have married someone else.
The heavy sighs are coming from inside the kitchen. A passive aggressive horror story
*softly brushes the hair away from your face
“I said it’s my turn to jump in the bounce house.”
Of course you can be anything you wanna be. That’s how delusions work.
No sweetie, you can’t have your giant chocolate bunny for breakfast, that’s not healthy and also mommy ate it for dinner last night.
I need a man who talks as fast as Kevin Hart. I got shit to do.
We just got a fax. At work. We didn’t know we had a fax machine. The entire department just stared at it. I poked it with a stick.
Hey Billy Joel it’s called a pianist.
I’m too Shreksy for my shirt
me: this is my cousin, carlos
wife: nice to meet you
carlos: *kissing her hand* mucho gusto
me: *whispering in her ear* that means a lot of wind
Mom pro tip: If you’re old enough to critique what I put in your lunch, you’re old enough to make it yourself.
[first day as lifeguard]
Kid: *waving dramatically*
Me: hey are u waving at me or those kids behind me?
LONELY OPTIMUS PRIME: *hires a ford escort service*
the official breakfast of 2021
[straw house]
Wolf: [big inhale]
[gun cock from inside]
Wolf: [soft exhale]
Sharp cheeses are so much better than dull cheeses
My favorite German children’s story is that one where some unspeakably terrifying thing happens to teach a minor lesson.
Police:Is there anything you can tell us about your attacker.
Me:He was much better at fighting than me.
Police:Ok is there anything else?
Excuse me, I’m sorry to interrupt but woodpecker tongues go all the way the hell around the top of their skulls like some kind of insane deli ticket machine
Our youngest’s throat is so sore that she can’t talk, so we’re having her breathe on all the other kids.
if you drive a shitbox you know the code.. don’t talk smack about the shitbox or the shitbox will remind you quick who’s in charge of the situation
M: *sweating*
Some Guy: You look hot.
M: *sweaty blushing* thank you
Genie: You have three wi–
Me: [trying to stuff him back into his container because I didn’t want to talk to anyone today]
[Old lady] Please dont pet my dog. She’s a service dog
[Me] Omg I’m so sorry (stands up straight & salutes dog) Thank you for your service
“Still too cold… Still too cold…”
“Screw it, I can’t be late again.”