Can’t blame Waldo for hiding. Imagine if some dude just starting writing books encouraging people to find you.
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nurse: how do u rate ur pain
me: it’s a thumbs down
nurse:
me: would not recommend
Him: *down on one knee*
Will you marry me?Me: Nah, I’m good, but…
(puts up hand up to high five) thanks for asking!
Seize the day. Repossess the evening. Impound last week. Forcibly confiscate the entire month of September.
It’s like joking about bombs in the TSA security line. Is it protected speech? Yes. Is it a crime? No. Are you going to have a bad day? Yes.
Appendi
Appendii
Appendiii
Appendiv
Appendv
Appendvi
Appendvii
Appendviii
Appendix
Me: I’m hard at work
HR: this is why you’re fired
“sup shorty” – a giraffe, probably
Wanna feel old? This is Calvin and Hobbes now
*comes into work with a sore throat*
*licks everyone’s face*
These supplements I was taking promised me a defined shape…they didn’t say it would be “melted candle”.
[leaving a party]
HOST (holding 2 identical coats): which is urs
ME: does 1 have a corn dog in its pocket
H: ya
M (suspiciously): mine had 2
Kind of jealous of how a horse can strap a meal to its face.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who sees you eating the chicken nuggets he said he didn’t want
told my son how we used to wear basketball shorts under our jeans and he looked at me like i asked him the square root of something
Don’t cry because it’s over, smile because you were able to steal 12 of his hoodies.
I’m not saying it’s been a while, I’m just saying I completely blanked on the name of my gym
Me, to the fellas: Load up. We getting magical tonight.
“Just so you know, you’re coming home with me tonight.” I whisper to all the leftover food on the table from our dinner date.
[Christmas morning]
Snake: Thank you for the present!
Snake 2: You’re welcome
[5 minutes later]
Snake: Yeah, I got no idea how to open it
Snake 2: Not sure how I even wrapped it
“How hard up for cash do you have to be to wear a chicken suit & wave at cars,” I think, adjusting the beak protruding from my forehead
My grocery list.
1. Don’t run into anyone you know.
2. Eggs
“Hi”
My name is
“What?”
My name is
“Who?”
My name is [chka chka] Slim Shady
*scribbles on cup* “Ok Mr Shrimp Scabies, I’ll start your latte”
Me: We’re ordering pizza.
8-year-old: This is the best day of my life!
Me: We order pizza every week.
8: I have lots of best days.
I tried on and bought two pairs of jeans today without testing my phone in the back pocket. I don’t even know who I am anymore.
A baby that is starting to wake up from a nap is like a solar eclipse. Whatever you do, do not look directly at it.
kidnappers: get in the car
me: i want to sit in front
Accidentally used my cat’s shampoo, and now i run around the house uncontrollably at night.
I’m so broke that if my girlfriend leaves me for another guy I swear that I’m going with them.
Really? Still no Kate? Has anyone even tried yelling Marco?