Children are so giving. For example, my kids gave me a cold.
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[Bar]
HOT WOMAN: So I was wondering…*slowly finishes her drink*…if you’d like to see my bedroom
ME: Oh no thank you, I don’t have any interest in home decor[4 days later]
ME *spits out coffee* DAMN IT
I’ve just had to let my trousers out.
They wanted to go for a walk and I couldn’t be bothered.
Geologically speaking San Francisco is such bullshit. “I’m gonna make you go up three hills and down two hills to get anywhere!” Grow up.
Guys named Hugh are 75% ugh
Doc: I have bad news about your test results
Me: oh man did I fail
Doc: not that kind of test
Me: so I passed?
Doc: no but you will in a week
Accidently went when it wasn’t my turn at a 4 way stop so now I have to follow this car home to apologize
The club can’t even handle me right now. Like, the club’s just had a very emotionally draining day and the club’s been in a weird place.
every day of my adult life I am grateful that I had only limited ways to put my ideas on the internet as a young person
Always curious what makes people become sober. A guy told me turned sober after he woke up two hours away from his home in a strange home with two naked women. And I was like… I gotta drink more.
Anyone who thinks sorry is the hardest word to say has clearly never tried speaking Welsh.
“Whaddya say we get together next Thursday and decide what to call these fruits hanging off these palm trees.”
“Ok. It’s a date.”
Me: Mom, can I die from eating pancakes
Mom: let’s not talk like that
Me: sorry, can I please die from eating pancakes
Some days you’re the Titanic, some days you’re the iceberg and some days you’re that guy who hit the propeller on the way down.
Today I brought my trash out wearing roller skates and a tiara simply because I like keep my neighbors guessing.
I’m an Obama supporter but there’s no escaping the harsh truth that Batman v Superman happened on his watch.
I was going to spend the next 6 years studying medicine to become a doctor. Then I realized I could just like Facebook photos to save lives.
*Looking at new prescription from Doctor*
Me: Take on an empty stomach? Guess I’m never taking these pills.
“You’re great in bed.”
— me, talking to my breakfast
My favorite part of Thanksgiving is the pumpkin pie, I bought one of those ginormous ones from Costco and offered everyone else peach pie.
My roomba on charge after cleaning up after 2 kids and 2 dogs.
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[ In bed, trying to find a cold spot ]
Ahhhh, there it is…
Wife: Get off of me!!
[Zoom Meeting]
Boss: Please take your mask off we can barely hear you.
Me, *Hasn’t shaved in three days because of masks*: I’ll talk louder.
shit! I’m going to be hairy late!!!!
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Tonite’s SuperMoon is Super versus October’s FullMoon only if you think 16.05inch pizzas are Super relative to 16inch pizzas
The eclipse was like April fools for birds
This day in history. 1973. Pablo Picasso died in France leaving behind his wife, 4 children, and a dog with piano key teeth and a halibut for a tail.
My unemployed friends on a Wednesday at 1:30pm
My 4yo is singing a song called “it’s Tuesday” and it’s just her singing those two words over and over interspersed with high pitched shrieks and she can’t get in the bath until she’s done and I have no idea when that’ll be. And the worst part of all this? It’s not even Tuesday.
In line at Target when the woman behind be says to her kid “If you don’t stop fussing I’m gonna make you spend christmas with this man” and then points at me causing him to cry harder
you know who else had a “fun hat phase”? Abe Lincoln. and we all know what happened to THAT guy