Children are so giving. For example, my kids gave me a cold.
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Voting has begun in Russia’s presidential election. Results will be known last week
Less concerned about the rotten apples than the really stupid ones.
Every time I stop, someone always tries to peer pressure me into hammer time.
Dog owners be like this is Spike he’s a purebred pedigree worth $13 000 and cat owners be like this is Lord Theodore Willis The Third he’s orange and we found him in an alley
Has anyone tried lighting a fall scented candle to fix 2020 yet?
[Ice Cream Truck]
John Cena: I’ll take an Icee, please.
Ice Cream Truck Driver: Icee? You?
Cena: *grabs driver’s shirt* No, you can’t.
Any other person cuts their thumb: “Expletive!”
Me, a Catholic person: “Expletive! To thee do we cry, poor banished children of Eve!”
At the aquarium, I hide my hands in my pockets so the Hammerheads don’t see my nails.
I’m no scientist, but if that ebola virus is communicable, that means WE CAN TALK TO IT.
Interviewer: Please put your kazoo away
*speed date*
Her: Hi there, my name’s —
Me: Braid my hair.
I love surprising my girl, today she woke up single!!
We didn’t need tutors when I was a kid, we just cheated
Me: they said they are working on a vaccine and will be out with it soon.
Friend: Who did?
Me: Yep.
The part I hate about this new cereal is unwrapping all the foil eggs.
“Put your pants on grandma, you’re scaring the reptiles!”
– Me, camping
Unfortunately a recent breakthrough in therapy means I must say goodbye to my comfort swords, my acceptance machete, and my protection bomb.
Monday
Hi, it’s me, your housebound friend. Since I have years of experience at this, and you lot seem to be out of ideas already, I will be providing you with daily suggestions of ways in which to entertain yourselves at home. Ready?
March 16th: Teach the cat a conjuring spell.
Don’t take drugs… for granted.
11: Daddy, how long have we been friends for?
Me: That depends. How old are you?
11: I’m eleven.
Me: Then probably 4 or 5 years hahaha
11: See, jokes like that is why we’re no longer friends.
[First date]
Date: I’m looking for a guy who’s above average.
Me: [Trying to be above average] I’ve eaten 17 spiders this year
Me: Maybe you should slow down on those granola bars. We got 30 yesterday. And there are…4. 4 left.
Husband: This house is a prison.
Whoever said diamonds are a girl’s best friend has clearly never worn leggings.
me: you can’t take a joke
joke thief: what
Directions: Allow food to sit and cool for five minutes before eating.
Me: No.
*Organizing closet*
Husband: Where do you want your wedding dress?
Me: Oh, just put it with the others.
Husband: What?
Me: What?
who called it a dinosaur rap battle instead of a reptile diss function
Hey I just met you…
And this is Crazy…
But this is a nice restaurant…
So, Silence your baby!