Piñatas are a great way to teach kids about murdering animals for food.
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Sea Turtle: humans keep trying to touch me while I’m swimming.
God: it could be worse.
Sea Turtle: how?
God: tell him crab.
Crab: my legs are delicious.
God: [nods] his legs are delicious.
[restaurant]
Me: waiter, what kind of choy is this
Waiter (who is a chicken): bok
AC changed bail to basil, and now I’m sitting in jail with some lovely herbs.
Somewhere in an alternate universe
He goes out for a run, and doesn’t even stop to sniff any crotches.
Humans are weird.~Dogs.
Everyone: New year resolutions.
2021: When will they learn…
ME WATCHING OLYMPIC EVENT: “Holy shit that was amazing!”
COMMENTATOR: “Ooh, that was not good at all. He must really be upset with himself.”
Hey, which Instagram filter takes out all the insecurities?
Husband: Your too much of a perfectionist. I want a divorce.
Me: (through tears)”you’re”
-gets $127 phone bill
1987: grounded for a month, no more calling Dana long distance
2017: must’ve gotten some sort of discount this month
“OMG, it’s so big!”
(Your ego)
it’s sweet how my son likes to swing by and check on me when his rent is due
I like my eggs like I like my nose: runny. Wait. That’s not right. I like my eggs like I like my tigers: poached. Huh? No! I like my eggs li
I love how you guys shit on Lohan, Hilton and Kardashian. If one of those bitches said a word to you fools, your balls would explode.
If his selfie doesn’t make you kegal, you’re just not that into him.
Me: What kind of tools do I need to make a cake?
Him: The fact that you’re calling ingredients tools means u shouldnt be in charge of this.
Dating tip:
Girls like guys who takes control. Pick up a horse and ask “Where should I put this horse?” When she tells you, say no
ME: *enters password*
COMPUTER: Weak and insecure
ME: No it’s not
COMPUTER: Sorry, I was talking about you. Yeah, the password’s fine
My dad owned a convenience store when I was a kid and he would give me the keys to Ms. Pac-Man so I could play for free.
Let me tell you the drunk-with-power feeling that was for a 10 yr old pushing that credit button. I’ve been chasing that high ever since.
“Can you veegle your toes for me? Veegle your toes.” – Dracula, ER doctor
Mark my words, but use something erasable cause I change my mind a lot.
[First day working in a warehouse]
ME: What’s that machine for?
“Oh, that’s the forklift”
ME: OH MY GOD HOW HEAVY ARE YOUR FORKS??
[Ouija board in Starbucks]
“Speak to me spirits”
O M G H A V E U S E E N W H A T K R I S T Y I S W E A R I N G
G R O S S
I don’t always look at my phone at a red light; but when I do, I look up to see a cop right beside me.
Mrs Kelly: what should we name him?
Mr Kelly: (eyes wide af) MACHINE GUN
Girlfriend just called me by my full given name.This is gonna end poorly.
Kids today will never know the struggle of flipping a cassette tape in a Walk-Man will riding on a bicycle at the same time.
I have a degree in graphic design. It’s not real but it’s hard to tell. I definitely did a pretty good job
One nice thing about your 30s is people talk less about figuring themselves out and more about where the best sandwiches are.
Cannot stress enough that Saint Valentine was also the patron saint of bees so even if you’re single you have plenty to celebrate today