@sentientsnorkel

Piñatas are a great way to teach kids about murdering animals for food.

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@MaryKoCo

“How crazy is your ex? Crazy like my triceps?” “How sick is your mother? Sick like my triceps?”

@doublewenis

Hey…quick question, fellas:

Does it still count as leg day if you just shaved them?

@clichedout

Her: You look great without glasses

Me: I don’t wear glasses

Her: *putting them back on* I do

@Rollmaninoz

[at my funeral]
*casket falls onto the floor*

Mum: that’s the quickest I’ve ever seen him move
Dad: lol owned

@Thynebear

[getting car jacked] umm i know i’m supposed to resist and all but if we don’t cooperate we’re both gonna miss McDonalds breakfast so hop in

@hannahkimberlee

13 years ago I ordered an m&m blizzard at Dairy Queen and the lady who took my order screamed “ONE SMALL M&M BLIZZARD!!!” at the top of her lungs then immediately turned around and started making it herself and it’s still the funniest thing that has ever happened to me

@KyleMcDowell86

“Honey,can u make the dinner reservations for 3 instead of 2 tonight? Debby’s coming”
“We’re not bring ur new chainsaw-”
“HER NAME’S DEBBY”

@ddsmidt

Should I fix the hail damage on my car? I mean, not everyone can say their car resembles a golf ball.

@simoncholland

I was going to sign this permission slip to let my daughter watch The Grinch at school but I haven’t heard back from North Korea yet.

@KateWhineHall

Pro tip-If you bring a toy boat into a hot tub and repeatedly reenact the Titanic, in a few mins you’ll have the entire hot tub to yourself.