Piñatas are a great way to teach kids about murdering animals for food.
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I told my family we’re gonna axe some of our 5 streaming services, and my teens looked at me like I was some kind of murderer.
Real life: Woman has a baby and leaves the hospital one to two days after giving birth
TV shows: Woman has a baby and leaves the hospital 30 seconds after giving birth
me: do you still remember your wedding vows?
wife: I do
me: [shaking head] no it was more than that
I do this weird thing where I feel fabulous then I have to get out of bed
*runs into the back of wife’s leg with the grocery cart for the 5th time*
me: We meet agai-
wife: Go wait in the car
me: Ok
My 8 year old daughter and my teen son are being sweet to me again, all it took was breaking my arm.
Adulthood is like the part in The Wizard of Oz where Dorothy tries to runaway from her problems, but then SURPRISE, there is also a tornado.
You know you where drunk last night when you realise you cooked your pizza for 200 minutes at 18 degrees
When people fall with their iPhone 6 in pocket and hear a crack sound:
“Please let it be my leg, Lord.”
angel: whatcha making?
god: *sharpening a dolphin* shark
30 is weird because I have pictures of my friends’ kids on my camera roll but also like a ton of nudes.
the Craigslist guy who sold me a bookshelf today showed me all the staples in his stomach from the surgery he just had. But that’s on me for forgetting to ask him to specifically not do that.
Why are trains so expensive? You going that way anyways, just drop me off
Why is no one talking about how hamsters taste NOTHING like ham?!
when hoodie season starts don’t ask me if i’m wearing anything under because this is what imma do
I cheat on my taxes by sleeping with other people’s taxes.
*Jan 1, 9 AM PST*
5: Can we play music in our room?
Me: Sure!
5: Any music?
Me: Whatever you want!
5: ALEXA! PLAY ROCKIN AROUND THE CHRISTMAS TREE!
Me: Nooooooooooooo
WHAT are birds so happy about at 7am? What? Oh, right. Pooping while airborne. Good one.
Homophobia isnt much about fear, true, but I wish it was more like Arachnaphobia(I heard that every year in your sleep you swallow 7 gays)
I was musing to someone about the irony of being a surgeon and having a phobia about touching raw meat (especially chicken). I don’t have a problem touching raw human though.
Anyway, thats how I learned people don’t like being referred to as raw human.
*uses 2 pens to tap out the drum solo from In The Air Tonight by Phil Collins during my disciplinary with HR
You know how sometimes you’re really into a song and you don’t know all the lyrics but you keep singing it anyways? That’s my toddler with Twinkle Twinkle Little Star.
Ground control: he says he loves you very much
Mrs Major Tom: what’s he done this time?
Amazon Prime: can I take your order
Megatron: hi, I’d like… omg
Amazon Prime: *horrified* oh no
Megatron: YOU ARE Amazon Prime lol
Amazon Prime: *holding back tears* it’s just a job
[shooting a bow & arrow in the library] i’m allowed to do this because it’s quiet
[first date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a librarian.
Me: *doesn’t talk again all night*
My co-worker was accused of flipping off the boss. I told HR that it couldn’t have been him because he never lifts a finger to do anything.
Good Cop: *reaches for his gun*
Intimate Moment Cop: *reaches for the same gun and their hands touch*
Alternate universe where all appearances of the word “lil” in rappers names have to be replaced with the word “teensy weensy”
[rubs magic lamp]
GENIE: You get 3 wishes
“Anything?”
GENIE: No wishin for more wishes
“I wish for more genies”
GENIE: I don’t like you