
“How crazy is your ex? Crazy like my triceps?” “How sick is your mother? Sick like my triceps?”
“How crazy is your ex? Crazy like my triceps?” “How sick is your mother? Sick like my triceps?”
Hey…quick question, fellas:
Does it still count as leg day if you just shaved them?
Her: You look great without glasses
Me: I don’t wear glasses
Her: *putting them back on* I do
[at my funeral]
*casket falls onto the floor*Mum: that’s the quickest I’ve ever seen him move
Dad: lol owned
[getting car jacked] umm i know i’m supposed to resist and all but if we don’t cooperate we’re both gonna miss McDonalds breakfast so hop in
13 years ago I ordered an m&m blizzard at Dairy Queen and the lady who took my order screamed “ONE SMALL M&M BLIZZARD!!!” at the top of her lungs then immediately turned around and started making it herself and it’s still the funniest thing that has ever happened to me
“Honey,can u make the dinner reservations for 3 instead of 2 tonight? Debby’s coming”
“We’re not bring ur new chainsaw-”
“HER NAME’S DEBBY”
Should I fix the hail damage on my car? I mean, not everyone can say their car resembles a golf ball.
I was going to sign this permission slip to let my daughter watch The Grinch at school but I haven’t heard back from North Korea yet.
Pro tip-If you bring a toy boat into a hot tub and repeatedly reenact the Titanic, in a few mins you’ll have the entire hot tub to yourself.