You know how sometimes you’re really into a song and you don’t know all the lyrics but you keep singing it anyways? That’s my toddler with Twinkle Twinkle Little Star.
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The problem with honey is that I could be in a hazmat suit watching a show about someone in Australia just looking at a jar of it and it would still wind up all over me.
I’m working on a movie about the life of Pennywise the clown after he quits killing kids to pursue a career in sticky notes called: Post-It
what the hell pray for carter everyone
Our elf has only been here two nights and hasn’t bothered to move from her spot. We’re having a performance review this evening and if she doesn’t get her shit together she’s getting fired just like that good for nothing tooth fairy did last summer.
My neighbor across the street does yoga in her yard, I watch her through my guest room window, but I don’t use my binoculars because that would be creepy.
HITMAN: Your husband’s sleeping with the fishes
MERMAID: I know, that’s why I want him killed
*at skatepark with my 7yr old nephew*
Random Mom: Cute kid!
Me: Oh thank u so much
Random Mom: Who’s the dad?
Me: My brother
Random Mom: *weird look**hours later*
Me: oh SHIT
One night stand because my bedroom is narrow.
I can understand your anger at me, but what could you possibly have against the horse I rode in on?
You gotta feel for kids today, growing up in a world where all the good screen names are already taken
me: so… you want to come back to my place? *bites bottom lip*
her: don’t bite my lip
There should be a morning after pill for Supreme Court decisions.
Sometimes I say something so embarrassing I even impress myself.
*after spending a solid 15 minutes listening to someone describe a tv show I’ll never watch*
I’ll definitely check it out.
Me: I choose Truth!
Him: What is the most time wasting app on your phone?
Me: …I choose Dare!
Life of an Editor:
I just sat here for a good minute or so going, “Goatfully? That can’t be it. What’s the word I’m looking for? STOP saying ‘goatfully,’ brain!”
It was “sheepishly,” folks.
He has notifications on for me pray for his phone
[brain surgery]
SURGEON (secretly a zombie): fork
ASSISTANT:
SURGEON: …over that scalpel
We have a fun thing at work where we hide things as a joke. For example, I just hid Nicole’s bowl of candy corn in the dumpster outside.
[at pet store]
“This tortoise’s shell keeps going soft. Am I doing something wrong?”
“No, it happens. It’s just a reptile dysfunction.”
[Jesus’ dating profile]
I love wine that’s made from water, taking long walks on the ocean and going to supper w my friends.
My kid:
With blanket – too hot
Without blanket – too coldUnder my blanket with a leg over my neck – perfect
The perfect Christmas lights display doesn’t exi……..
(Gaming support cat.)
*swipes right on my hand mirror
House is a mess … Walked in the other day and there were 2 people on the couch blindfolded and filming a Fabreeze commercial
*training the dog to sit*
Me: So you’re already low to the ground, but you must get lower.
Overheard, my kids-
7: did you know when you’re older you’ll have boobies like mummy?
3:
7:
3:
7:
3:
7:
3:
7:
3:
7:
3: don’t be silly, when I’m older I’ll be a panda
Leonardo Dicaprio has addressed the UN about climate change.
Well if anyone should know about the dangers of melting icebergs, it’s him!
When someone begins, “With all due respect,” stop them right there, because that is as good as the sentence gets for you.