There should be a morning after pill for Supreme Court decisions.
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A reality show where chefs deconstruct recipes and IKEA customers put them back together
Ladies, if he can’t appreciate fruit jokes…
… you need to let that mango.
Them: you can’t handle this d…
Me:
This is the angriest post I’ve seen on Twitter in a long time.
I got the words yakuza and jacuzzi confused the other day.
Now I’m in hot water with the Japanese mafia.
Well I guess it’s time to learn my kids’ names.
Ke$ha looks like a character I would select in Mortal Kombat
Sorry I screamed in terror when you showed me that pic of your offspring. She’s a very lovely whatever the hell she is.
Bloodmobile: Sir, for the last time, this isn’t a food truck.
Dracula: Theez iz some bullshit.
Wife just found out my ring tone for her is “ding dong the witch is dead” so if anyone wants to race to Canada READY SET GO
me: clean your room
teen: okay(30 minutes later)
me: clean your room!
teen: okay!(one hour later)
me: *changes wifi password*And now we wait.
Husband enters vasectomy room
Nurse: You sure about this?
*I enter, wearing xmas leggings & milk stained top*
N: The dr. will be right in
[first day as police sketch artist]
“Yes those are dog ears. I wanted to give the killer a touch of whimsy.”
(at the gym). Hey can somebody spot me while I walk up the stairs?
*enters username*
“USERNAME NOT RECOGNISED”
*creates new account*
*enters username*
“USERNAME ALREADY IN USE”
*sets fire to self*
My 3yo wakes me up way too early each morning by singing.
So this morning, I woke up early, went into his room and started singing to show him how much it sucks.
Then we had a duet and my point was missed.
super glad this box of pasta says “store in a cool dry place” because i usually keep all of my groceries in a bog
[Friday Night]
WIFE: Have fun at poker
ME {stopping at door}: What did you say?
W: Have fun
ME: After that
W: Uh…at poker-
ME: IT’S POKÉMON
Our toilet seat lid broke. My husband is shopping Amazon for a new seat. “We can save 11% by getting a used one!”
You deserve someone who’ll chase you with a chainsaw.
I’ve been using a lot of moisturizer. I’m at aloe point in my life.
Enemas make shit happen. No seriously.
They’ll continuously make Fast & Furious movies until it’s a bunch of old men trying to get out of a grocery store parking lot
me: technically, they’re magma lamps until you crack them open and pour the lamp sauce out, then it becomes lava
doctor: no I meant thoughts about your treatment plan
My neighbors had a party and didn’t invite us. I know, I know. Their thank you card is already in the mailbox.
I’ve never texted someone to let them know I made it home safe. Shoulda come with me if you wanted details
me: my cat’s stuck in a tree!
fire department: sorry sir, but right now we’re only responding to fires
me: ok gimme a sec
Mom, I’m glad April Fools is on a wkend. Kids at school are jerks
Me:*Hiding a plate of waffles drenched in olive oil* yeah people are mean
Welp, ’tis officially the season when the evil things come out. I’m talking, of course, about candy corn.
Horse buying tip: ALWAYS ask how much horsepower a horse has. If a horse has less than one horsepower, you’ve got yourself a crap horse.