@TheNardvark

There should be a morning after pill for Supreme Court decisions.

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@PaulyPeligroso

To spice things up in the bedroom, I have my wife dress up as a pizza boy. Then, I have her put the pizza on the counter and then leave.

@Donna_McCoy

If you add enough jalapeños no one will ever know you’re a bad cook.

@BrokenPalabras

Ancient people: turned grapes into wine, agave into tequila, and sugar cane into rum.
Modern people: turn soy, rice, or almonds into milk.

@SimonMaloy

TWITTER: something just isn’t clicking here
HORDE OF RACIST EGGS: [cacophony of immoral filth]
TWITTER: eliminate the looping video service

@billcheek26

I’m taking my niece and nephew to the corn maze today. If I can’t lose them there, I’ll try the mall again.

@brennadine

Cinderella taught me that everything will work out just fine so long as you have unconscionably small feet.

@pizza_dragon

Hi kids I’m Keanu Reeves here to tell you that speed is never cool unless you’re a professional SWAT member on a bus that’s about to blow up

@aneesa_p

Always a bridesmaid, never a bride. Because, I’m smarter than my friends.

@ceeace9

I just saw my dad screenshot all by himself,they grow up so fast