Brewmaster: Get out of there at once!
(Me, splashing giddily in vat): IT’S OK I’M WEARING UNDIES
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[spelling bee finals]
JUDGE: your word is “asterisk”
KID: can you use it in a sentence?
JUDGE: *adjusts mic* yes
Job interviewer: so what’s your greatest weakness?
Me: job interviews mostly
Cute animal videos may be turning me vegetarian. Off the menu so far: donkeys, sugar gliders, and bumblebees born without wings.
BABY: *cries*
ME: Get in line, buddy.PUPPY: *cries*
ME: *panicking* OMG, WHAT GREAT TRAGEDY HAS BEFALLEN YOU, MR. NIBBLES?
My son’s impression of me is just him staring at his palm.
her: my parents are gone 😉
liam neeson: ok when did u see them last
Condom commercials should just be 30 seconds of crying babies shitting and vomiting all over themselves.
*Me on a first date* centaurs have two rib cages
Wife: Where’s your dad?
Son: He’s sunbathing in Nepal.
Wife: He’s what?
Son: Himalayan out.
Me, anytime I see someone with a dog in a stroller:
what’s wrong with your baby
I was in Australia once and a newscaster said in the cutest accent that a swimmer was “taken” by a shark. I asked if that meant they died and my friend said, “Well yes, but no worries, it happens. Sharks do that.”
And that’s the most Australian thing I’ve ever heard.
Based on the number of AVI pics taken in your cars, I’m guessing that quite a few of you girls are on the run
Her: tell me want I want to hear baby
Me: your order is on its way
Her: oh god, yes!
Inventor of the ceiling fan: It has two speeds: off and Mach 2
Friend: What?
Inventor: There’s also a switch on it so no one will know which way it’s supposed to turn
Friend: Who hurt you?
[First day as a private investigator]
*Forgets to turn off camera shutter sound
*Gets murdered
*walks in on family gathering*
I AM NOT CLEANING UP ALL OF THIS BLOOD
Only 50 more days til we find out who’s our next President! Last time I was nauseous 50 days straight, at least I got a baby out of it!
mcdonalds’s with a small walmart inside
Fun game:
Take pictures with your camera sound turned up when someone comes into the bathroom stall next to yours
HR: Once again – “Judy from the Internet said so” isn’t a valid excuse….
Me: But…
I wrote a book. It’s a murder mystery. You’re in it but only for the first couple of chapters.
Been considering dipping my toe back in the dating pool lately so naturally I’m binge-watching serial killer stuff to bring me back to my senses.
3yo: dad I’m swimming!
Me: amazing but try not to drink so much of the water!
3yo: I keep drinking the water!
Me: I know don’t drink the water!
3yo: I just drank more of the water!
Me: please stop drinking the water!
3yo: my belly hurts!
The only reason there’s a market for hammers is not because they go bad but because they grow legs and walk away.
Guys love legs. Women, if you can grow more legs that would be a major turn on
These aren’t even hard anymore.
If Spider Man eats too much fruit he squirts Silly String.
@isabelzawtun @UncleDuke1969 I had a customer tell me that wanted 50% off an item because of a sign. The sign clearly stated which product was 50% off, which I pointed out. Her response was “what If I couldn’t read?”
I literally had to just walk away.
“Hand me that pillowcase. Nope, that’s a coverlet. No, that’s a sham. That’s my nightgown. That’s a duvet cover.”
~Excerpt from my book, “Making the Bed with the Mrs.”
Therapist: When you look in the mirror, what do you see?Me: I see myself you friggin idiot. Let me see your degree