Wife: Where’s your dad?
Son: He’s sunbathing in Nepal.
Wife: He’s what?
Son: Himalayan out.
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You can put refrigerator magnets on your car, too. There are no rules.
Do you realize that if real women had the same proportions as Barbie they’d be only 11.5 inches tall?
If you glue a dead wasp to your palm, you can smack your boss on the back of the head as hard as you want and act like you saved him.
It’s amazing the little things you learn about your kids as they grow everyday.
For example today I learned my 3yo is kind of a mean drunk.
Girlfriend: Did you get all the dishes?
Her (actual) boyfriend: I think so
Me: *from the bushes outside* You missed a cup, Todd
my wife: we have to wear what we died in for eternity!?
st. peter: that’s right
me: [from the back end of our horse costume] what’d he say
Make her feel like she’s the only woman on earth. Because nothing makes women happier than feeling like all other women are dead.
me: well, they sell flower arrangements at the grocery store
florist: I understand your point, we just don’t carry peanut butter
i don’t have time to deal with the weird spots on the lawn so i threw a bag of salad over them
Turns out there isn’t a single sexy explanation for having a fork in your bed.
*concert*
Fleetwood Mac: thunder only happens when it’s rainingNeil Degrasse Tyson, at normal speaking volume from the back: no
There’s no denying that I have an effect on men. Mostly migraines, but an effect nonetheless.
Genie: “You have 3 wishes.”
Ian: “I wish for everyone to be equal.”
Genie: “Okay. You have no wishes.”
Grandma found out I’m single so I have roughly an hour to find a gf or Ill be getting the ‘have you thought about being a priest’ talk again
There’s a bounce house at the bail bondsman’s office. There’s curiosity in my mind.
Honored sirs, I am PRINCE KIELSEN and I am contacting you with exciting opportunity. I recently inherited an island but need a small amount of cash. Send a money order for $600,000,000 to my account and I will give you “Greenland.”
My body snaps, crackles and pops louder than my cereal.
[Interview with a Vampire]
Interviewer: hah, your resume says ‘bleedership skills’, what a funny typo!
Vampire: *nervously tapping fingers, not making eye contact*
Me: I consider myself a pretty easygoing guy
Also me: *gets angry about the size of box amazon uses*
“Why won’t you loan a neighbor a cup of sugar?”
[ sigh ] “You’re a pile of ants wearing a bathrobe.”
[ bathrobe sags dejectedly ]
my niece thought her math teacher said “length, width, and death” so shes been runnin around all day screamig “THE THIRD DIMENSION IS DEATH”
my 4yo asked my favorite dinosaur and when I said t-rex he told me I couldn’t have it because that was his so I guess now I have to pick out a new 4yo
It’s like you don’t appreciate this bag of toenails and I can’t deal with this right now.
“WHAT DO WE WANT?!”
“SELF-CONFIDENCE!”
“WHEN DO WE WANT IT?!”
*everyone breaks eye contact and starts mumbling*
Learn how to read a book again simply by sticking a twitter Avi alongside every paragraph…….
Mom: “You’re a delusional alcoholic.”
Abraham Lincoln: “She’s right, you know.”
My daughter keeps saying there’s no such thing as a mistake in the kitchen, which is just so adorably wrong.
[ad for milk]
give your Skeleton strength for the war to come
9: Don’t break anyone’s heart. But they do have 209 bones.
Me: You make me so proud.
14 [in front of the dinner his dad made]: I don’t understand what I’m looking at.