My daughter keeps saying there’s no such thing as a mistake in the kitchen, which is just so adorably wrong.
You Might Also Like
Watching this Dahmer show on Netflix this guy doesn’t seem too bad I mean he’s just oh wait yep ok there it is wow my god Jeffrey
Dating tip:
Don’t offer to pay.
It’s a sign of weakness.
Build trust through mutual agreement to steal.No one suspects the “happy couple.”
*trips over an ice cube dropped on the floor*
Me: This is JUST like the Titanic!!
Your mom when the street lights been on 6 minutes and you’re not home yet.
I plan on spending the weekend in a vintage perfume ad (walking, staring, hair, wind).
This train was so long I had time to file my nails and my taxes.
According to the Chinese zodiac, it’s the year of the dog, or “who’s a good year?!”
Age 16: Made fun of my parents for going to bed at 10PM.
Age 40: Wonders how they managed to stay up so late.
“If you love the bed so much why don’t you marry it?”
*imagines beautiful ceremony on the beach, me & Beddy.
No one can stop our love now.
Airlines texting me “we in this together” emails but when my bag was 35kg I was on my own.
I saved $38 by moving the fish tank in front of the TV during “Ellen” and telling my kids it was Finding Dory.
Him- All of your fantasies include me, right?
*imagines flying on a Pegasus with Thor*
H- Are you waving at the ground?
Me-Yes to both
Harold & Kumar Go to White Castle (2004, R): Harold and Kumar go to White Castle
CHASE: Hi we are calling to check for fraud you spent $40 at 7/11
ME: Yea
CHASE: Then you went to Taco Bell at 3am
ME: Are these questions
My kid just made me google the various answer percentages to cheat a Harry Potter Sorting Hat quiz so she’d get Slytherin- which I guess qualifies her.
I’ve never been camping but one time I ordered something from Amazon that wasn’t Prime Eligible.
Guy cut me off & I shouted, “you are unable to pleasure your wife. OR HUSBAND.” Cause he needs to know I’m angry, yet progressive.
Just now learning that many Victorian-era radiators had built in cabinets for warming food. Can you imagine heating your house *and* smelling garlic bread at the same time
Daughter: Brings home an A+ on her presentation…
Son: Brings home 3 different hoodies he’s left at school…
Husband: Oh wow! Big day for both of you, huh?!
Today my son got dressed in nice clothes and said it was picture day at his school (His school of course is our kitchen table). It was either a very sweet moment or the first sign that the kid is starting to crack. Either way, I charged him 45 dollars for a 15 picture package.
I spent 2 hours at a gym looking angry with my arms crossed. The manager thought I worked there and gave me a raise
Trainer: What’s the most intense part of your work out?
Me: Getting into my sports bra.
me, too, girl. me, too.
If my cat keeps packing on the pounds, I’m going to rent him out as a weighted blanket.
ME: I’VE BEEN SHOT
TAYLOR SWIFT: Aw here are some band aids
ME: THOSE DON’T FIX BULLETHOLES
TS: *picks up guitar* …brb
ME: I’M STILL DYING
[catching breath at friends house]
I was being chased by a bike cop so I threw up a left turn signal but actually turned right and it worked
Me: Hi. I can’t take your call right now but please leave a message.
CW: I’m standing right in front of yo…
Me: BEEEEEEEEEEEEP
my uber driver watching me wander around the street aimlessly because i have no idea what a toyota crayola is
I tried to spell perseverance but I gave up in the end
If my kids ask, bears are attracted to the sound of fighting children.