Apparently my son “looks like daddy” when he’s wearing half of his food
You Might Also Like
Weird how all salons are closed on Sundays, yet if you can convincingly fake a heart attack, paramedics will shave your chest-hair for free.
*Giving TED talk*
Me: *points at guy* sir, reach under your chair!
*he does and a mousetrap snaps*
Me: trust no one
*audience claps*
I decided to watch The Conjuring alone in a dark apartment and now I’m not allowed to make my own decisions anymore.
Me, passing on the wisdom of my ancestors to my kids: It’s “righty tighty, lefty loosey.”
Only whores show their boobs. Only uptight bitches won’t show their boobs. Please show me your boobs. Women are crazy. – men
My son saw his medicine said shake well before using so he shook his whole body and damn that apple never even fell from the tree.
I’m not saying I killed it on the stock market today, but there’s a good chance I’m cutting up a hot dog into my Kraft Dinner tonight.
A man outside Boots told me that Jesus died for my sins. Thanks for spoiling the end of the Bible. I was only up to the bit with the fish.
I’ve been trying to leave Rome for weeks but all their roads have this weird design flaw.
Her: What’s that account pin again?
Me: 051598
Her: Our wedding anniversary?
Me: Yes…they recommended for security purposes that I pick a number that’s insignificant.
Her:
Me: (immediately starts vacuuming)
If i had to guess, i would guess that the number one search word on Bing is Google.
“p” in my name stands for patience and that’s why it’s not there
Everytime a chicken looks at me I feel like it knows I eat chicken
Avoid calls from pesky bill collectors by not paying your phone bill.
my ex said i had a fear of commitment but this 5 gallon jar of Costco olives says otherwise
Dance like no one’s a werewolf. Eat like you found it in the couch. Shout like your cat’s sleeping. Feel good like a bossy poem told you to.
Air pods looking like an angry frog
“Nailed it.”
-inventor of crucifixion
You know those books that sit there unread on your night stand? Take them with you on vacation so they can remain unread in a sunny locale.
I take no responsibility for anything I said or did yesterday.
I was young. It was a different time.
stranger: you’re gunna look stupid with all those tattoos when you’re 80
me: listen pal, everyone looks stupid when they’re 80
My mother-in-law came over and made me dinner, and now I’m wondering if I should have married her instead.
Taking inventory at a granite warehouse is counter productive.
We’ve replaced my roommate’s Sour Cream Pringles with a colony of wasps I’ve been antagonizing for a month. Let’s see if he notices.
If you can’t handle me at my worst you don’t deserve to throw rocks at glass houses where I roll but collect no moss.
I wish my refrigerator would quit opening my bedroom door, staring at me, sighing and walking away.
Missed my workout yesterday which makes it four years in a row
Snail Boss: under skills you’ve put ‘quick reflexes’
Snail: [2 hours later] that’s right
SB: [3 hours later] holy heck, when can you start?
Mustaches are just nose hairs that believed in themselves
When I’m in a room full of toddlers, I can’t help but scan it for potential serial killers