@PuddingBoobs

Only whores show their boobs. Only uptight bitches won’t show their boobs. Please show me your boobs. Women are crazy. – men

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@RichardDawkins

The designer of the expanding universe, deviser of quantum theory and relativity – he’s really interested in who you sleep with. Sinner.

@dubstep4dads

i cant believe ashton kutcher made the apple computer and iphones. thank you ashton

@ieatanddrink

This is your pilot speaking. We’ll be taking off shortly once our flight crew confirms that this is, in fact, an airplane

@UncleDuke1969

“Can I get you to-”
YES!
“Great! Here it-”
I’LL DO IT!
“Don’t you want to-”
MAKE THE CHECK OUT TO…

– Adam Sandler being handed a script

@hipstermermaid

It’s amazing that whales have evolved to live for over 700 years and humans have evolved to spread misinformation online! Nature’s wonders!

@permawedgie

There are four main food groups:

1. Canned
2. Frozen
3. Drive-thru
4. Fried

@GrahamKritzer

[First day on the job with Scooby-Doo and the gang]

Me: ok this giant dog keeps eating my sandwiches

@Cpin42

Actually, this is my first rodeo. Why is that angry cow trying to kill me?