me: i need directions please
stranger: you need to go north and –
me: left or right
stranger: it’s a little more complex than that
me: *crying* LEFT OR RIGHT
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I have enough money to live comfortably for the rest of my life, if I die next Thursday
*on deathbed*
“Son u were *cough* ado-”
“Dad? I was adopted?!”
“A dot of misery on my otherwise happy life. I don’t know why we adopted u.”
I don’t “make friends”. I get adopted by extroverts and they make me do things.
Google:
“Never run away from a black bear or approach him. Make yourself look as big as possible.”Me:
*hands bear a magnifying glass*
Me: *eating 3rd Twix of the day*
Her: You eat too much candy, you’re going to make me a widow
Me: *orders 10 truckloads & cancels all plans*
Was out on the golf course and shot an eagle at Hole 9. Mom doesn’t believe me, but wait till she sees the eagle.
He said it’s canoodle night later, and I thought great, I love lasagna.
My 4 year old walks around the house with a walkie talkie clipped on his pants like he’s here installing high speed internet.
They bad news is my teenager is running a fever; the good news is he’s still feeling well enough to make “yo mama” jokes.
The problem with teaching a man to fish is that eventually somebody will microwave that fish in the work break room.
50% of Roger Federer‘s name is “er”
[First day as a driving instructor]
“Okay kid, reverse. Keep going and stop when you hear a bang.”
The year 2932, lines for the new iPhone are so long, many die before reaching the end. Those who do, get back in line for the next phone.
Unsolved mysteries, cat edition
A few years ago I accidentally left one of my kids at the Alamo. It wasn’t too bad, it was less than 20 minutes when we realized. The problem is now, at 17, anytime she wants something she says, “REMEMBER THE ALAMO?” and my mom guilt takes over and she gets whatever she wants.
The best revenge is living well unless you have a crossbow.
23. the denim jacket
My sweet-as-can-be daughter who’s never even once gotten in trouble listens to podcasts about serial killers to relax, if you’re wondering about the healthy home environment I’ve provided.
Life is good! Just waiting for my ship to come in!
*Gets on Twitter*
*Looks up as ship is sailing off*
Is it considered rude to ask your boss if it hurt when the house fell on her in The Wizard of Oz?
My Grandpa: killed 17 Nazis and singlehandedly saved his entire battalion in WWII
Me: Sits around all day making up stories about my Grandpa
Boss: What’s your five-year goal?
Me: Paid administrative leave.
*First Date*
Me: *Flirting* You have to promise not to fall in love with me.
Him: There’s cheese in your hair. And we haven’t eaten yet.
Margo: And why is the snow all wet, TODD?
Todd: I don’t KNOW, Margo!
There are two sides to every story. Mine comes with french fries and cole slaw.
Give a man a fish and chances are you won’t be asked to be in charge of buying a gift “from all of us” anymore.
well, Sam. It’s been a helluva day. A helluva day! Hit me, again.
Can someone Venmo me $74,000?
I’ll take you camping.
I need real life DIY youtube videos. I want to see the guy start to explain then be like “oh shit I forgot this part” or “dammit I got the wrong thing!” And drive to Lowe’s 47 times. Don’t give me that 4 min video Dave. We all know it took you 13 hours.
Judge: You have power of attorney?
Me:*curling two briefcases* Pfft. What do you think, bruh?