They bad news is my teenager is running a fever; the good news is he’s still feeling well enough to make “yo mama” jokes.
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9: I learned a joke at school.
Me: Ok let’s hear it.
9: What goes in stiff but comes out soft?
Me:
9:
Me:
9:
Me: Is it a-
Wife [running in from other room]: SPAGHETTI IT’S SPAGHETTI
The rare times my cat approaches me for affection, I run away and hide under the bed so she knows what that feels like.
Me: I don’t believe the world is round…
Flat Earthers: *getting visibly excited*
Me: …because it’s actually an oblate spheroid
Flat Earthers: Is that…how flat is that
[tattoo parlor]
“WHAT THE HELL IS THIS?!?”
“You said you wanted something that said that life is all about taking-“
“Wisks!”
“Right. That’s why I-”
“I’m weally disappointed.”
*first day in prison
*walks up to biggest guy
*asks for WiFi password
I wish I knew how to spell the crinkle sound a chip bag makes because that would be my future dog’s name.
I’m exceptionally skilled at accomplishing absolutely nothing while screwing something up, therefore accomplishing less than zilch.
Some of you people, plus the magic marker I ate earlier, make me sick.
me: babe theres a surprise for you under the christmas tree
my cat: *whispering* and also within
Breaking news from My dog!! there ar Small animals outside sometimes, but especially Right Now.
It’s an honour @thefunnytweeter – – thank you.
Sales of wood-chippers have gone way up as the quarantine has continued. That makes sense on farms, but most buyers are apartment dwellers.
Slowly crawl towards your sleeping dog, put your face directly next to its face, and whisper “I know it’s been you shitting in my yard.”
IKEA is Swedish for “divorce labyrinth.”
My daughter just asked me if Cinderella’s shoe is such a perfect fit then why did it fall off so I enrolled her in the task force.
Jay said his mother is a lesbian and came out in support of her same-sex relationship. Rap really has grown up
Number of times husband has insisted a puzzle piece is missing: 434
Actual puzzle pieces missing so far: 0
Avoid unwanted pregnancies by using the “pull out” method where you pull out an acoustic guitar at a party & no one will have sex with you.
how to meditate myself out of criminal intent oh shoot i thought this was google
Got in a bar fight for calling celery ‘nature’s dental floss’
Policeman:”Sir, we have sufficient evidence to believe that this vehicle has been stolen.
Me: how
Policeman: Step out of the tank Sir
The only person who listens to me in my house is my dog, and even he pees on the floor sometimes.
“The best eggs are stolen,” I said.
“Poached,” my wife corrected. “Poached.”
New bird on my deck today. Not in my bird book. Will eat seed. Will not fly. Concerned may be hurt.
[Doing a crossword quiz]
Wife: what is an exclamation of impatience. 6 letters.
Me: “faaark”?
8- Dad, why is there oxygen on earth, but not on any other planet?
M- Are you sure you just don’t want to know where baby’s come from?
CONCERT
AC/DC: Who’s ready to be Thunderstruck?
CROWD: *screams
ME: [from front row] IT’S IMPOSSIBLE TO BE STRUCK BY THUNDER!
someone please explain to my neighbour I wasn’t “fighting a box,” I was doing the recycling
“if anyone asks, i’ve been here the whole time”
I’ll be signing books at the library tomorrow from 2-4pm (or until that librarian calls the cops again). Come on out!