Some of you people, plus the magic marker I ate earlier, make me sick.
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Her: I’m not wearing underwear
Me: good thing I brought extra
I miss being able to study with complete focus for hours. Now I read one sentence and check my phone to see if penguins have legs or just feet
You haven’t seen rage until you’ve seen a group of women waiting for a yoga instructor who no-shows.
blood is thicker than water, which is my secret to winning the annual county fair gravy contest every year
I want a name that can only be written using straight lines, so I’ll be changing my name to Wilx Kivz.
ME: *watching the sun rise* ugh, this shit again?
THE SUN: *watching the earth rotate around until I appear* ugh, this shit again?
public defender: if we get the wooden hammer away from the judge we win
POV: Your company’s HR director is about to fire you on a Zoom call
I want the free time of the guy who opts in for the after-call survey
Grandpa: Look at you, shivering and hiding under the covers like a four year old. It was just a ghost story, no different than the ones I always told.
Me: BUT YOU’VE BEEN DEAD FOR 41 YEARS!
Taking my winter tires off but not putting my summer tires back on. I’m done with the tire bullshit.
The first sin in the Bible was eating an apple. The second was murder. That escalated quickly.
Ever accidentally turn off your alarm instead of hitting the snooze button and wake up two days later?
Nobody ever talks about how effective letting dogs sleep in your bed is for birth control.
I remember when “Something’s eating up data.” meant that guy from Star Trek was deeply troubled.
Auto correct changed “group hug” to “grope hug” and I’m not in charge of the team-building exercises any more.
*reads own tweet*
Haha, so relatable
*Walks into brothel*
One chicken soup to go please
Me: promise you won’t show anyone?
Him: promise
*sends pics
H: that’s pics of fruit snacks
M: you said you wanted pics of my goods
A lot of people look at Russian roulette as a negative game, but statistically it’s actually one of the only games you can’t lose twice
Twitter is fun because you get to be like, “Ducks are good” and someone in your mentions will go, “Um, I’m sorry but my brother is married to a duck scientist and this is a harmful view” and then someone else pops up going, “Your silence about horses is extremely telling”
The next time someone asks me my ethnicity I’m just going to say I come from a long line of pirates.
Twitter should really come up with a “Temporarily hide user’s tweets until user gets their shit together” button.
*takes the high road
*gets a DUI
I love the Yakuza games. I wish Japan was real.
Nothing says warm summer days like choosing between drinking a bottle of ice-cold kombucha or ranch
they really said video games would melt our brains when it was actually watching the news that did it
Genie: ok, this is your last wish
Me: Could you speak up a bit?
Genie: YOU IDIOT!
I scare off men like I’m some kind of evil clown hiding in their closet.
“I’m not a clown!” I shouted as I sniffed his sweater vest.
me: the heart wants what the heart wants
heart: please stop drin-
me: whiskey it is