I remember when “Something’s eating up data.” meant that guy from Star Trek was deeply troubled.
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Someone accused me of spending too much time on the Internet. I don’t know what to say. I am so full of emoticons right now.
A spray bottle to deal with close talkers.
My father one time told me to go apologize to the neighbor for being mouthy so I went and told her my father says he’s sorry.
THE CANADA GEESE ARE LEAVING.
AMERICA THEY YOUR PROBLEM NOW.
I want a Viking funeral when I die…complete with sticks, marshmallows and chocolate for the attendees.
What? I’m sure that’s traditional.
Keep the mystery alive and continue to surprise your partner by using chloroform to induce disorientation.
‘we love the sea because it’s where we come from we fear it because we left so long ago’, I say suddenly, startling myself, and the waitress
WHAT DO WE WANT?
License and registration, please.
WHEN DO WE WANT IT?
Sir, please stop shouting and step out of the vehicle.
3: Daddy, please don’t do that joke anymore.
Me: Which one, buddy?
3: Any of them.
The ability of a morning phone call to trigger my anxiety speaks valiums
Grimace: *commits crimes against the United States*
Law Enforcement: “We believe we’ve identified the purpletraitor”.
Whenever I hear “let me tell you the truth”, I secretly cross my fingers, hoping they say “brownies are healthy, eat as many as you want.”
Girls like guys who take charge: ask her out, plan a date, take a hostage, overthrow a government, nuke her ex’s hometown, buy her a puppy
3 is yelling at baby for rolling off her mat and she’s responding by screaming at him and I’m so glad I followed everyone’s advice and had a second kid so they could entertain each other.
My kid is not a good sleeper so I’ll fight pretty much anyone about pretty much anything.
When an elevator stops on a floor and no one gets on or off, I always think ghost.
WIFE: (watching news) Someone broke into the Smithsonian Museum last night.
ME: (wearing an original pair of ruby slippers) That’s weird.
I wish booze made me flirty. It just makes me quote Adam Sandler movies
I told my DAD to embrace his mistakes. he cried. then he hugged My brother & me.
Cop: Is that a turtle?
Me: …
Cop: Painted blue?
Me: …
Cop: With nails glued on?
Me: …
Cop: Mario Kart’s not real
Me: YOURE NOT REAL
My husband went to a lawyer luncheon thing and the lawyer he sat beside turned out to be my ex boyfriend from college. When they realized the connection he told my husband, “She always had me laughing. Is she still funny?” And my sweet husband said, “Not in the slightest.”
Tearfully waving out the train window as my girlfriend runs alongside
*45 minutes later*
She’s still keeping pace. It’s inhuman. Everyone on the train is screaming. I’m begging her to stop but she can’t hear me. Her eyes are pure white. Police helicopters circle overhead
My friend: My fridge broke down, all my ice cream is gonna melt!
Me:
Me: Step aside.
me: another
bartender: *slides over pudding cup*
The Purge: Valentine’s Day
Women just want to make us better men, not drain our life essence. And sharks are just trying to kiss us but their teeth get in the way.
He was like, ‘We’re all slowly dying’
So I was like, ‘WRONG’
and I threw him in front of a moving bus.
I slid my foot into my slipper in the dark this morning and there was a sock laying on it. Let’s just say I didn’t know it was a sock, and I’m happy to report I’ve set a new long jump world record.
Hey lady I’m no dummy…those are letters not numbers.
-first day of algebra class
Dec. 21st Xmas shopping: guy to other guy, “Does she wear earrings?” Long pause. Other guy, ” I don’t know.”