Dec. 21st Xmas shopping: guy to other guy, “Does she wear earrings?” Long pause. Other guy, ” I don’t know.”
You Might Also Like
{yard full of boys}
*pointing at milkshakeExterminator: there’s your problem
Shout out to the pack of wolves that raised me to be the lady I am today.
The atoms that make up your body are ancient things, recycled over millions of years. You are made of stars, and also dead raccoons.
“Are you really 43?”
Me: “who lies about being 43?”
Just heard the UPS guy drop packages on my porch and say “there you go” to my dogs so that’s why they always think my packages are for them
Just Jedi mind tricked my BF into buying me a new phone. Well not really, I had to moan during sex and promised to be nice to his mom.
me: I plead the 3rd
lawyer: the third amendment is you can’t be forced to quarter soldiers. the fifth is you can’t be compelled to act as witness against yourself. did you mean the fifth?
me: I mean I kinda don’t want to have to do either
*eats a bag of chips*
*eats 2 baked potatoes*
*eats a plate of fries*
*eats a plate of mashed potatoes*Being a vegetarian is easy!
I just asked my German friend if he has a lucky number and now I can’t figure out if he does or not.
My son has decided he loves avocado toast and now I have to get a second job.
Interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume
Me: yeah I spent ages on it then Word did that thing where all the paragraphs go weird
Interviewer: I mean where you didn’t work for 6 months
Me: well I had to recover from the Word thing
look at me when i’m typing to you
When I got my epidural during childbirth I didn’t realize it was gonna wear off before the toddler years
99% Indians work on the Principle of Rockets.
It doesn’t mean we aim for the sky.
It means, we don’t start work unless our tail is on fire
Is it just me or are the puzzles on The Guardian website really easy?
I caught my son chewing on electrical cords.
So I had to ground him.
He’s doing better currently.
And conducting himself properly …
starbuck cashier: can i get a name
guy ordering in front of me: it’s Ben
me: ONE WEEK since you looked at me
“And this is my creepy husband, John.”
(The way my friend should introduce her husband)
Chief: You’re the WORST cop in the department! Hand over your gun and badge!
Me: *realising I left both in my son’s crib* Uhhhhh….
In 1911: Dracula used to drink virgin girls blood … In 2012: he died of hunger.
The printer is only printing blank pages, and it’s like it can read my mind.
When I say I’m tired, the “of people” is silent
Fears: dying alone, getting horribly maimed or disfigured, people who stick their tongue out in photos
me: [yawning] might get dressed today
coworkers in zoom meeting: please do
Life is a balance as you age. You lose hair, hearing and keen eyesight but you gain insight, experience and a lot of weight. Bad trade.
Spider-Man: Hey. Are you okay?
Thor: It’s just not my day.
Spider-Man: Well it is Thursday though.
Thor:
It should be a rule that if you’re going to put you kid on a leash, you can’t be mad if someone walks up, asks if they bite, and pets them
Therapist: what’s your biggest issue with your husband?
Wife: he gives me no privacy
Me: [tapping on window from outside] that’s not true
IM CRYING AT HIS REPLY
This was maybe my favorite tweet of 2021