Beauty and the Beast is my favorite movie about how beauty is only skin deep. What’s important is that you’re rich & you have a giant castle
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[handing out condoms to trick or treaters] give these to your parents, I don’t want more of you coming back next year
HR: Can you explain this??
Me: I thought it was CORNhub, with recipes on how to make delicious corn and corn related dishes
Netflix: if you like Murder & Standup
I used to think Ol’ Yeller was a book about my stepdad.
Me: You can’t stay home by yourself.
8-year-old: You can trust me, Dad. I’m responsible.
Me: You’re holding nunchucks.
8: I’m holding nunchucks responsibly.
Lmao
[god, creating ducks]
Just like put a surfboard mouth on a big pigeon and make it like a loud idiot. I don’t know
Jennifer Aniston is always cast in the same role because she’s a victim of Rachel profiling.
I just want the confidence of a youtuber who suddenly thinks they can sing
Alcohol is a perfect solvent: It dissolves marriages, families and careers.
An email so annoying, you wanna return the computer to the store.
Coworker : I just like to go with the flow.
Me : Flow away, I’m busy.
That’s me at the corner, that’s me at the stoplight choosing no collision
-Michael Stipe selling auto insurance
Calm down mechanic guy. Just here for an oil change. If I wanted to know about all the other shit wrong with my car I’d turn the radio down.
When I was a child I dreamed of being an old west cowboy. When I grew up I realized they didn’t have toilet paper with aloe.
Mom: Why do you have a lighter? Do you smoke?!?
Me: It’s for arson, I swear!
Mom: It’d better be!
I put the hot in psychotic.
Sure I could kill you with kindness, but let’s see what else is lying around first.
i hate when i’m 20 minutes into my run on the treadmill and i look down and the timer says 43 seconds
*takes long drag off cigarette*
No one digs a well at the top of a hill, so what the hell were Jack and Jill doing up there?
I bet to vampires we all just look like giant Capri Suns.
I was in the park vaping in a tree when skateboard punk yolo teens called me “poor,” but jokes on them — I make hundreds of dollars a year.
[job interview]
Interviewer: So what makes you think you’d be a good waiter here?
Octopus: I just really feel like I could bring a lot to the table.
Sorry pregnant ladies, all of your 3D ultrasounds look like Gollum in an Ikea lampshade.
Wonder Woman is in theaters June 2nd. But if you want a sneak preview, watch Sally Yates’ performance in front of the Senate.
Having the time of my life slicing vegetables super fast like I’m a chef at a Michelin star restaurant while the uneven mess I’m creating looks back at me in its judgmental misery *chef’s kiss*
I’d rather go liquor treating.
Apparently the main job qualification for being a pirate was that you had to be named after a beard.
[first date]
HER: i’m really into astronomy
ME: [revealing my secret stash of Milky Ways] you don’t say
everything in the world is about sex, except Uno. Uno is about power