Sorry pregnant ladies, all of your 3D ultrasounds look like Gollum in an Ikea lampshade.
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My 6 yr old lost a tooth and then finger quoted “tooth fairy” so I just handed him $5 and told him to do whatever he wanted with the tooth
I wish I had my mom’s zest for living. she once took a kitchen knife and carved a giant hole in the wall of her closet because she “always wanted a house with a secret passage.” mom you live in a trailer
By the time you reach 45, everyone becomes an expert orthopedist. “It hurts where? Yeah, that’s your medial hip flexor tendon maximus. I had that last year.”
Bartender: What can I get you, gorgeous?
Me: The blood of all my enemies.
Bartender:
Me:
Bartender:
Me: Miller Light
Am I relying on you to cover up all these blood stains after murdering my ex?
BLEACH I MIGHT BE
– Then use a paw of oregano and a tooth of salt
-Are you kidding me? How much is a ”paw”?
-You say ”a pinch ” all the time and nobody asks. Figure it out. You’re the 5 star chef, n’est pas?
Thanks for keeping your Instagram account private. I’d hate for those pictures of your lunch to fall into the wrong hands.
Cop: You look pretty beat up, how many attackers did you say there was?
[flashback to me showing the cat my nunchuk skills]
Me: Easily 10
me: I’m working on a romcom about mansplaining
agent: what’s it called
me: Actually Love
I don’t care if he’s famous or not, what the Headless Horseman is doing is illegal
RESUME HACK: Want to avoid the unpleasantries of listing your criminal record? Turn that weakness into a strength with “I’m a person of strong convictions.”
My daughter thought putting glue on her hands would help her walk up the walls, we’re both a little disappointed that it didn’t work.
Practiced telling you off in the shower today. Warning, it went very well.
Hi, my name’s Ray. I’ll be drawing your blood today as soon as I finish this Capri Sun.
*misses hole 4 times then punches straw through bag*
[trying to fall asleep]
SHEEP: count us
ME: im good, thanks
SHEEP: *louder* count us
ME:nope
SHEEP: *yelling* count us
ME:*sighs* one, two, thr…
SHEEP: follow us*one hour later*
ME: *knitting a scarf* this is so relaxing
I mean, if Marie Antoinette didn’t want her head cut off, maybe there should’ve been actual cake.
~ Why I was kicked off the debate team
COP: *draws gun*
PARTNER: *looking over his shoulder* Someone needs to go to art school. Looks like a platypus.
I discovered my 91-year-old Dad wearing blue surgical gloves while he ate.
Me: Uh, Dad, what are you doing?
Dad: Chicken wings are so slippery everyone should wear gloves.
i’m in a comfy dress today, but i look like a potato in floral. call me nelly flortato.
Sure you can call me lazy but do you know how many days I HAVE gotten out of bed? Thousands
Is it physically possible to be sad in rollerskates? Cause I think my cat’s just being dramatic.
If my calculator had a history, it would be more embarrassing than my browser history
#SuperBowl
In India, when they say there’s an elephant in the room, there’s an elephant in the room.
ah yes writing, that thing i do where i open a word document and then get up and start cleaning my entire house
It’s the 13th anniversary of “Umbrella”. What a good excuse for…
[Christmas shopping]
me: I’m looking for a toy for my son
clerk: how old?
me: something new please
It’s easy to tell hedgehogs from porcupines. Porcupines aren’t blue.
My husband asked me to put him to sleep with a happy ending…
*reads a book “and they lived happily ever after”
Mmmm yeah, you like that?
A hearse was in front of me in the drive through lane at a burger joint. I have questions.